REPORT: 92 PERCENT OF SOULS IN HELL THERE ON DRUG CHARGES

HELL -- A report released Monday by the Afterlife Civil Liberties
Union indicates that nine out of 10 souls currently serving in Hell
were condemned on drug-related sins.

"Hell was created to keep dangerous sinners off the gold-paved
streets of Heaven," ACLU spokesman Barry Horowitz said. "But lately,
it's become a clearing-house for the non-evil souls that Heaven
doesn't know how to deal with."

The disproportionate number of drug offenders in Hell is a result of
God's "get tough" drug policy of the 80s A.D., imposed after Roman
emperor Domitian Flavius introduced opium to his people. God's
detractors say His reactionary "one sin and you're out" rule places
too harsh a penalty on venial drug users.

According to God's law, souls who possess four ounces of illegal
drugs at any point during their mortal lives face a mandatory minimum
sentence of eternity.

High-ranking seraphim in the Eternal Justice Department defended God's law.

"It's all about accountability," the angel Nathanael said. "The rule
of the Lord affords the complementary blessings of freedom and
responsibility, and provides the governing framework under which man
is punished or rewarded according to his deeds. The rules are very
simple: You do the crime, you do the time. Eternity, in this case."

The ACLU report included profiles of hundreds of offenders condemned
to eternal perdition under God's law. Among them is Pvt. Robert
"Bobby Joe" Hetfield, a World War I fighter and amputee who became
addicted to morphine during his last 72 hours of life on a French
battlefield in 1918. As punishment, Hetfield has spent nearly a
century cleaning Beelzebub's dope house every morning by consuming
the urine, excrement, and vomit left by Satan and his revelers.

Another offender listed in the ACLU report is Huachuri, an Incan
peasant who used a coca-leaf-based marital aid in 1311. As
punishment, he is sodomized continually by a winged, razor-penised goat.

Defenders of God's law argue that eternal punishments like these are
the only way to deter other drug users, and preserve order in God's kingdom.

"This is not about revolving-door justice," St. Peter said. "While
the word of God will keep some on the straight and narrow, Heavenly
studies show that eternal damnation is the only deterrent that really works."

Horowitz said that while drug offenders are literally rotting away in
Hell, serial killers and other dangerous sinners are receiving "mere
Purgatorial sentences, thanks to the asking-for-forgiveness
loophole." Purgatory is a minimum-security state of limbo that
affords its occupants the opportunity to repent their sins and
eventually gain admittance to Heaven on good behavior.

"Drug offenders, many of whom have committed no prior mortal sin,
rack up infinite consecutive life sentences," Horowitz said.
"Meanwhile, rapists say they're sorry, recite a few Hail Marys, and
wind up basking in God's divine radiance within 10 years."

Among those who oppose God's laws are the stewards of Hell, who argue
that his harsh anti-drug penalties have taxed the capacities of the underworld.

"I have one ravenous and overworked hellhound assigned to terrorize
12 methamphetamine users," the demon Abracax said. "After 14 hours in
the dog's digestive tract, they are excreted and revived, at which
point, I give them another shot of methamphetamine. The dog's
exhausted--he was originally intended to be responsible for two users at most."

According to Horowitz, even leaving aside questions of civil
liberties in the afterlife, God's drug laws are problematic.

"These laws, simply put, don't work," Horowitz said. "What the
Heavenly hosts need to consider is some sort of angelic
early-intervention program at the pre-death level, or at the very
least, some form of afterlife rehab."