HARPER'S ARCHAIC DRUG POLICY WILL DO MORE HARM THAN GOOD

After Prime Minister Stephen Harper unveiled his new drug policy this
month, I was appalled at the narrow-mindedness and naivete that our
dear leader displayed.

I've always been skeptical of Harper's political agenda, but when I
find out that his son is learning the majority of his drug references
from Beatles albums, it's time for somebody to intervene.

I mean, Jesus, this boy is eleven. He should be educated about drugs
the proper way for elementary students: with his parents sitting him
down, telling him that they just want to talk, then making him listen
to the Velvet Underground's Heroin.

The other thing that bothered me was the negatively biased coverage
the media gave Harper's inept plan. Sure, in this case, it's easy to
sound witty by asking what Harper's been smoking or wondering if
Steve was stoned, but no viable discourse can be generated on this
"marijuanagate" through the use of repetitive drug slang. When
resting on their laurels like that, few journalists posit more
pertinent queries, such as questioning the potency of said drugs that
our government officials are currently toking on.

What I'm saying is that our elected representatives just aren't
blazed enough to come up with sound policy anymore. And who can blame
them? It's getting tougher every day to find primo shit in Ottawa so
that they can get through those mundane parlimentary sessions.

This is partially due to our own political correctness. Just look at
how far we've fallen: Johnny A was hammered out of his mind while
founding the Dominion-usually with a rapidly growing brown area on
the front of his trousers-and he's considered a hero.

Today, if our elected representatives decided to discuss a
sustainable environmental ethics platform for the Arctic Circle while
engaged in a meth-fueled, no-holds-barred orgy, everyone would flip
out like they'd discovered that they were sold oregano. Politicians
need some excitement like that in their lives; otherwise, the job
would be a total downer.

But it's also due to our nation's drug policies, flawed as they may
be, which were moving towards rehabilitation and harm-reduction
programs such as safe injection sites that have so far shown to be
effective (if controversial). This method struck a vein in helping
the numbers of MPs and backbenchers that are addicted to Georgia Home
Boy or Special K get clean, preventing them from actually getting any
work done.

Harper's ham-handed new platform will brilliantly counteract this by
adding Nixon's time-tested mandatory minimum plan that has failed so
spectacularly in the US. There's no actual evidence of this policy
ever relieving the drug problem, but it will help waste tax dollars
by filling our prisons with what are, in effect, just minor
offenders-as we've seen south of the border-while ensuring that
plenty of coke is left on the streets so MPs can do rails off of
pages' stomachs to get some inspiration come budget season.

While the plan did outline money for prevention, Harper's continued
ignorance of harm-reduction policy shows that he's out of touch with
what actually works. The increase in the focus on enforcement is the
equivalent of passing the Dutchie on the right-hand side: it's headed
in the wrong direction. But for ministers who may need a little bit
of California Snow to excel at the workplace, the scheme is narrow
and restrictive in all the right ways, like a rubber tube strapped
tightly around one's upper arm.

These governments, all they do is start wars, man. Like this new war
on drugs. They lock people up, and for what? Regressive thinking when
it comes to policy making? They try to solve problems with bullets
when they can't even feed the people. It's total bullshit, man.

But I digress. Harper's really scraping the bong resin with this one.
He needs to get hooked up with some quality BC hydro so he can come
up with a plan to benefit regular Canadians who want the complex
problem of drug abuse dealt with effectively. Luckily for him, I
might just know the number of a guy.