MAKING THE CASE FOR LEGALIZATION: CLEAN LUNGS, CLEAN MONEY

You're probably thinking this is another article on legalizing
marijuana or a step-by-step guide of how to smoke weed while avoiding
the police, but it's not. No, I'm just here to correct some
misconceptions of little Miss Mary Jane (have your Urban Dictionary
ready).

Most people think marijuana is illegal because it is harmful for your
health. Yes, our federal government cares for our well-being; that's
why we have free nationwide health care! Or at least they give us free
medical advice. Laughter is the best medicine, right? I heard a dose
of the chuckles will cure your herpes in a jiffy.

I'm sorry (or pleased) to inform you that scientists and doctors have
found that there is no connection between marijuana and lung cancer.
Donald Tashkin, a pulmonologist who studied marijuana for 30 years at
UCLA, held the largest study on marijuana funded by the National
Institutes of Health's National Institute on Drug Abuse (funded in
part by the Redundancy Coalition for Repetition) in order to support a
link between marijuana users and cancer development.

Tashkin asked 1,200 patients with head, neck or lung cancer about
their lifetime use of marijuana, alcohol and tobacco, and then
compared their answers to answers given by 1,040 people without
cancer, matched up by age, sex and neighborhood. The heaviest potheads
smoked more than 22,000 times (sounds like a good weekend) and
moderate cannabis users were placed between 11,000 and 22,000 instances.

After his initial claim that marijuana caused lung cancer was proved
wrong and that it may even help prevent cancer, we can officially
declare Tashkin bitch-slapped by irony.

"We hypothesized that there would be a positive association between
marijuana use and lung cancer, and that the association would be more
positive with heavier use," Tashkin said. "What we found instead was
no association at all, and even a suggestion of some protective
effect." Marijuana contains THC, which has the power to make "Alice in
Wonderland" the best movie ever made. It can also kill aging cells and
prevent cancer cells from thriving and living (kind of like the
relationship between humiliation and reality TV stars).

While no association between marijuana smoking and cancer was found,
the study's findings, presented to the American Thoracic Society
International Conference (who throw great parties), did find a 20-fold
increase in lung cancer among people who smoked two or more packs of
cigarettes a day . which makes it ironic that a study on marijuana and
cancer would prove that cigarettes are as dangerous as sitting in a
dark room with OJ Simpson (but somehow more legal).

The real reason why marijuana is illegal is simple: it's not
profitable for Big Tobacco. Congress is made up of old, white,
ghoulish-like creatures who get paid by lobbyists of wealthy
corporations to keep their businesses alive.

And thus cigarettes are simply regulated instead of simply being
illegal.

I'm really not trying to endorse marijuana (its sponsors haven't paid
me yet), but it's important to hear both sides of the argument before
making up your own opinion on the subject. The federal government is
in control of its citizens - we should listen (excluding President
Bush's speeches). However, people in power aren't necessarily always
right. Just ask Saddam Hussein. What? He's dead? Wow, I need to get
out more.