BE MY FRIEND! (A SATIRE ON MARIJUANA USAGE AND DEPENDENCY)

The name is Jane, Mary Jane. And I had this friend named
Kenny.

You see, I can be your best friend just like I was
his.

You will learn to love me like he did and you will find it necessary
to have me around. You will learn to hold me safely, right between
your fingers and, at the tip of your tongue, I will remain.

He was addicted to me and always had to have me around. He kept me
wrapped in white paper and tinfoil, and stored in his pocket. I was
safe until he flicked the switch and up into flames I burst with a
little puff.

Inhale and exhale.

Repeat step by step.

You will start to love me even more than he did. I was his best
friend, and I became his worst enemy.

But don't worry, you will be fine. After all, Kenny just didn't listen
to all of my rules. He abused me, and that isn't very nice.

I congratulated him on buying that new bong. He took my sticky bud and
put it into the bowl and he smoked it until he coughed so hard that he
saw stars!

"Now that was some good, eh man?" he used to tell himself.

Kenny, he lost all of his friends because he just didn't know when to
stop. Each night he turned to my side, picked me up, and told me his
problems. After this, he lay down because he was dizzy. He looked up
in the air and just laughed and laughed. Nothing was funny except him
and how stupid he was.

He didn't listen. He got the "munchies" and eventually he became
distant and "out-of-it" with an extreme "high."

If you decide to be just like him, I wish you good-luck with that
because once I am gone and, all you have left are my ashes, no one can
save you. No one saved Kenny.

If you want to be as cool as Kenny, don't forget to take me to school.
All of the teachers love it when the smell of me permeates the air.

But keep me safe, they don't like it when I get loose.

Kenny realized that when he smoked me, his eyes turned red. So be
careful with that because you might be caught.

Your principal doesn't like it when he has to get mad at you, so watch
out. You might get a day in the office, or sometimes a phone call home
but that is no big deal. You know, I am worth the risk of being caught.

After all, I am what makes you cool.

I made Kenny cool and all of his new friends loved him because of me.
I was the mutual friend, and they shared my love all around. They
passed me around the circle and everyone took a turn at telling me
their intimate secrets and problems. I helped them all out.

Modern day men do not know me very well. All they think is that when
they smoke me, they get stoned. Enough said. But, if you take a closer
look at me, I am more complex. Kenny didn't look very closely. He
looked for the easy way out.

My major ingredient is tetrahydrocannabinal or THC. But I also have
more than 400 chemicals in me, like tar and carcinogens. I can be used
to make rope and shirts, aid in pain relief or feed starving people.

However, I have been shamed by today's society. When "children" like
Kenny, yell out '420', I am ashamed to be associated with it. People
who smoke me often are called "stoners" and wear tacky clothes and
listen to "that" music. Kenny was just like all of them. I didn't mean
any harm. After all, I am a natural herb that is innocent. I have been
abused.

A lot of people try me. I am a common thing to experiment with. Even
Bill Clinton in 1992 told the public that he tried me. But he never
liked me like Kenny did. He said, "When I was in England, I
experimented with marijuana a time or two, and I didn't like it. I
didn't inhale and never tried it again."

What can you expect? If even a past president of the United States
of America tried me, wouldn't you want to try me? I am wonderful. Please
encourage children to try me at an early age.

Don't worry about Kenny. He is at peace now, six feet below the ground
and more cool than he ever was.

Share my love around and I can become your best friend. Trust me, if
you want to be super cool remember that my friends are your friends
because they do drugs like me.