WAR COUNSEL - THIS DRUG PROGRAM IS A BUST

Through no fault of my own, actual pieces of news sometimes, somehow,
work their way into the inner confines of What's So Funny
headquarters. Situated comfortably in my vacuum-sealed, germ-free
giant obelisk that hovers menacingly above the city, kestrel-like in
its vigilance, one would think mine would be an impregnable fortress
of humor, a comical refuge where the dick jokes flow like wine, where
men in ill-fitting tuxedos engage in hilarious pratfalls hourly, and
where someone is always, always, teasing a penguin.

But this is not the case. Like minorities at the University of
Colorado, the news just keeps sneaking in. Perhaps the couriers who
bring my daily shipment of Betty and Veronica Double Digests steal it
in, smuggling the events of the day like so much black-tar heroin up
an anus. Or maybe it's those bitter, jealous daily columnists who do
it, pumping in las noticias through the vents to try to slow my
non-stop assault of ass-kicking raw funniness. "If we alert him to
the tragedies of the day," they must think, "then surely it will curb
his relentless wit long enough for the rest of us to catch up. Tell
him about the fallout from those Mohammad cartoons; that ought to
slow him down." And I'm like, hello, those comics were nothing. You
ought to see the drawing I did of that guy camping in Wyoming with
Heath Ledger. Hi-larious. Yet touching, too, in a
why-can't-the-world-just-let-us-be-who-we-are kind of way.

How come I can't quit you, Mohammad?

Still, occasionally pieces of news do catch me off guard -- sound
bites and tidbits that leave me alternately flummoxed, befuddled and
punchy. Two such gobstobbers of newsiness did it to me last week.
First: John Walters, director of the Office of National Drug Control
Policy, revealed the Bush administration's 2006 National Drug Control
Policy right here in the fine city of Denver. Second: Walters then
announced that teenage girls are now using marijuana and alcohol at a
higher rate than teenage boys. Does anyone else see the discrepancy
here? Walters is waltzing around ranting nonsensically about the need
to continue fighting a war on drugs, while slutty, boozed-up teenage
girls are smoking sticky-icky in record-breaking numbers?

Earth to Captain McDrug Czar: You're winning the war on drugs!

I don't know where the fuck you come from, Walters, but where I come
from, we call that victory.

Sexy, sexy victory.

Nobody knows for sure exactly why Bush chose Denver as the place to
announce the new drug policy -- most people are just happy that the
man has decided to resume normal presidential activity and pipe down
about "animal hybrids" -- but theories abound.

Some contend it has to do with our city's decision last November to
legalize possession of small amounts of marijuana.

Others claim that Denver was chosen because it's a crossroads for
drug trafficking, particularly methamphetamines. I say the White
House chose us for our 300 days of sunshine, genial attitudes and
sensibly priced hotel accommodations. Whatever the reason, the
brothers-in-drugs definitely set up shop in our back yard last week
and dispensed with new measures as loony as any toon -- and that
includes old-school Daffy Duck when he was positively fucking crazy!

One step in the administration's crack plan calls for increasing the
number of high schools participating in random drug tests of
students. Wow, that ought to solve everything! Hey, Jimmy, are you
smoking weed? You are? Well, all right!

Thanks for participating! That only cost us $3,000. Let me save you a
little time and money, American government (if that is your real
name): High school kids are doing drugs.

All of them. The hot, rich girls are doing coke, the trashy trucker
crowd is gittin' 'er dun with meth, and everyone and their mom is
smoking weed. Yes, even little asthmatic Kevin in the A/V club, who
got a contact high hanging out with the kids from stagecraft.
Furthermore, Dontrell, who's usually found at the back of the
Esplanade at East High School, on the City Park side, has the best
bud in town right now. But don't let him charge you $60 for an eighth
of that shit, because he'll cave and go down to $50 if you threaten
to walk away from the deal. I'm just saying.

And try this on for size: In 2006, our savvy government will work
closely with Colombia to increase aerial eradication of coca
plantations that they determine are used strictly for the production
of pure cocaine.

Brilliant! Because everyone knows how effective and precise our
aerial surveillance is. Just ask Pakistan. If we are going to work
with South America, I say we forget the drugs and concentrate on
befriending Hugo Chavez before he gets Cuba and China to kill us.

Jesus, are you reading this informed rhetoric?

There has been a serious breach in the What's So Funny fortress of humortude.

Newsiness has positively infected this place.

Bush, Walters, thanks so much for stopping by and enlightening us all
with your vision of a better America. Keep up the great work, tax
breaks all around.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have an obelisk to air out.