THE CARILLON TELLS ME HOW: TO SPOT A NARC

What "The Man" Doesn't Want You To Know

After spending all weekend sifting through back issues of the
Carillon circa 1968, I have found a renewed feeling that "the man" is
trying to get me down. How many times have we tried to rise up to
only be squashed by the injustice perpetuated by this male patriarch?
Inspired by my Carillon predecessors, and also a column from `68
called "Freak a Narc," this week the Carillon will tell you how to
spot a narc.

Step one: Buttons. In order for a narc to be in direct contact with
"central control" or whatever the kids are calling it these days,
they need to have a cleverly disguised microphone. Narcs, like the
Carillon, run on a meager budget. This means all those cool James
Bond-style gadgets are out of the question. Due to budgetary
constraints, microphone and other tracking devices are located in
buttons that have little to no relevance to any form of social
agenda. Examples include pilot's wings, the Statue of Liberty, and
busts of Steven Urkle.

Step two: Non-descript van with antenna. Narc.

Step three: Middle-age. The goal of a narc is to lure you into
criminal activity and later snitch to "the man." This being said, I
have it on good authority that "the man" doesn't trust the youth.
Therefore, you will be sure to spot a narc by looking for a middle-
aged man attempting to lure youths away from their daily behaviour.
Although I must warn you, if there is a black van and the mention of
puppies or kitties instead of pot and LSD, you are probably not
looking at a narc. That is a whole other ballgame that you should
stay away from in general.

Step four: Ray Liotta. If they look, act, or smell like Ray Liotta
(which is a combination of old woman and cat food), I am going to go
with narc.

Step five: Shoes. Narcs are like chameleons. But while they have
mastered the ability to change their spots because chameleons have
spots or is it a leopard or cheetah that trade their spots? Which
wouldn't make sense since they both have spots. Really it would just
be a variation of spots. Either way, narcs have narc shoes. They
squeak and have small heels which look like they walked out of a John
Lennon museum.

Step six: Test. When conversing with the narc, subtly replace the
narc's name with the word "narc." If they become grossly offended or
have no reaction at all, you got yourself a narc.

Step seven: Slang. If you see someone using the words "far out" or
"groovy" or other slang best left in 1968, don't panic. You have not
stepped out of time machine (unless you just used a time machine).
This person is most definitely a narc as the narc-ing handbook has
not been updated since well 1968. Or so I am told.

Can you dig this righteous article? I dig. Alright. Did you spot a
narc? Let me know at Carillontellsmehow@gmail.com.