ASK KICKED-OUT DAUGHTER TO COME HOME

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I kicked my 15-year-old daughter out of the
house on the weekend for smoking drugs and she said, "Fine!" She
packed her bags, and went to stay with the neighbours across the
street -- her best friend's family. I don't know what she told them to
make them take her in, but there's been big gossip. Now the whole
street knows we're at war: This morning, she taped a big sign up in
their front window which read HAVE A NICE LIFE. My neighbour saw it,
and stopped in and told the mother, but it was too late. Other people
saw it too. This is so embarrassing and awful. I had to discipline her
for taking the drugs -- not in my house, you don't! -- Upset Single
Mother, Winnipeg

Dear Mother: Where did you expect your daughter to go? Kicking her
out, with nowhere for her to live, is not discipline. If you'd
arranged for a different place, like her dad's or her auntie's,
different story. But you kicked her out in the snow. A daughter who
has been given the boot by her parent(s), with no healing and
reconciliation, often runs away or gloms onto an unsuitable male (or
many) and doesn't come back. Make the first move to reconcile and pay
no heed to what the neighbours think about the sign. Your problems are
much greater than that, and the two of you need to get help together.
If you do nothing, this is something she will remember the rest of her
life and it will not have served to teach her anything, except that
you can be so heartless you don't even care about her safety. Go
across the street, admit that you lost it, and made a big mistake. Ask
her to come home, and for both of you to go to get some serious
counselling together.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: How do you know when to pull the plug on a
friendship? I don't make friends very easily. I have a friend whose
husband has had to go back to his home country for a few months. He's
"given permission" for his wife to have sex with other people while
he's away. The permission was not reciprocated, and believe it or not,
she's worried he'll cheat on her. I don't agree with this as I feel
it's still cheating whether there is permission or not. She's
constantly seeking out potential partners, most she hasn't ever known
and regales me with all the torrid details. She continuously comments
that she's lonely for "someone to touch her." She says she loves her
husband and from what I've heard (which is usually everything) they
have a fantastic sex life. I worry about her safety, her kids and the
relationship with her husband when he gets home. And, I worry I'm
going to lose my best friend. -- End of a Friendship or Just a Stumbling Block?

Dear Stumbling Block: You don't have to give up this friendship that
means so much to you, but you can change it by demanding she keep her
extra-curricular sexcapades completely to herself. Hold up your hand
and stop her, whenever she starts. Go home, when she won't shut up
about it. My guess? Her husband gave her permission to have sex while
he was gone, because he already had a similar plan for himself. She
suspects that, of course. That's why she's going at it relentlessly.
In a limited friendship, you can involve her in movies and activities
where you don't have to talk too much. If she phones to talk sex, find
an excuse to go right away. She may dump you, if your role in her life
is to listen and sympathize. If that's the case, you haven't lost a
best friend. Start deepening other friendships so you aren't too
dependent on her.