STAY CLOSE TO YOUR TEENS

The Dec. 9 column by Jeff McAbee - "Use vs. abuse" - the letters to
the editor written by two current SHS students and a former SHS
student, and Cindy Bargell's Dec. 14 column "Know the parental 'code'"
had me doing some serious thinking. The students noted their knowledge
of substance use by high school students. This is no shock to anyone
living in Summit County - or any other community, for that matter.

Having served on Building Accountability Advisory Committees
throughout my children's tenure in Summit Schools, I know our schools
are safe and administrators take their roles in keeping our students
safe very seriously. However, I am extremely concerned that we have a
population of parents, students and other community members who
believe that to "smoke a little weed and a drink a little beer" is
acceptable, and heaven forbid, harmless. Each and every toke, each and
every drink of alcohol, each and every drug affects a developing brain
- - and not in a good way. Teen brains are rapidly developing in areas
that help them regulate emotion and build analytic and reasoning skills.

Ms. Bargell's column was entertaining and hit on things parents can
definitely relate to. A meshing of the two topics - parenting teens
and teen substance use and abuse are big issues I address in my
profession as a parent educator and child and family advocate.
Parenting of teens is tricky. When I am asked how old my kids are, I
respond with "Just 14 and almost 16." I hear groans in reply. Why?
Teens push parents away more strongly and with more noise on their
journey toward complete independence than parents are used to. Pushing
parents away is what teens are supposed to do. It's in their "code of
conduct" manual.

To help teens navigate their teen experience, I believe a parental
code of conduct needs to include that every child's parent must
provide constant attention and supervision at every stage of child
rearing. The distance from which it is done depends upon on the
child's age/stage of development, situation, and, most importantly,
the issues and challenges the child faces. Parenting of teens entails
not moving away at the behest of their child but continuing to be
present, with a readiness to jump in and be right there up close and
personal at any given moment. Teenagers need their parents to
volunteer in their school, attend as many of their extra-curricular
events, parent-teacher conferences and award ceremonies as is humanly
possible. Teens need their parents to hang a great paper, piece of art
or exam on the refrigerator, to celebrate their accomplishments and
individuality. Teens sometime need their parents to do silly, crazy
things to model individuality regardless of their child's
embarrassment level - but not too often.

Teenagers need a lot of guidance. They have never "done this teen
thing" before. They need help navigating their education, peer and
authority relationships, time management, accountability, and even the
decision whether or not to ingest or use substances that will harm
them. Parents, above all, need to make significant time and energy
sacrifices. It's been said, "When you parent a teen well, you will be
just as exhausted as when you parented a newborn or toddler".

Parents and community members, stay connected with our teens. Don't
let teens think to "smoke a little weed and drink a little beer" is
harmless. You wouldn't knowingly let children lick lead paint and turn
a blind eye. Talk openly to all of the kids in your life about the
harm tobacco, marijuana, alcohol and other illicit drugs do to their
brains. Start at an early age, or start right now. Lead by example.
Expect and help our children resist substances that alter their brain
connections so they can become the adult they originally had the
capacity to be.

TJ Dufresne

Summit Cove