DISCOVERY OF POT- SMOKING TEEN RAISES QUESTIONS

Parent Traps is a semi-weekly parenting advice
column from Vancouver Family Therapist Michele
Kambolis. Look for it Mondays in Health.

THIS WEEK'S PARENT TRAP

I've recently come up against a sticky situation.
While I'm usually a relatively confident parent,
I'm just not certain as to whether I should stand
by a recent parenting decision. My 16- year-old
daughter had a few friends over several weekends
ago. I like her friends and they're comfortable
at my home; consequently they spend a great deal
of time with us and I feel I know them well.
However, I couldn't help but notice that
distinctive =93pot=94 odour and started snooping
around the girl's bags. Sure enough, my
daughter's friend had a small bag of marijuana in
her purse. Because I feel a responsibility toward
these girls I made it clear to all of them that
they are, under no circumstances, allowed to
smoke pot or anything else for that matter. I
confiscated the bag and told my daughter's friend
that I'd need to let her mother know what I=92d
found. The problem is, it's three weeks later and
I haven't had the wherewithal to make the call.
You see, her parents are extremely harsh ! and I
know that instead of firm reasonable limits
she'll be punished extensively. I feel sorry for
my daughter's friend, but how far does my responsibility go?

Losing Confidence, North Vancouver

YOUR TWO CENTS

Tell the parents of the teen. Having a teen
myself, I find a lot of parents turn a blind eye
to what their 13- and 14- year-olds are doing ( sex,

drugs, permitted alcohol); adult privileges many
kids many are being years before responsibility. they are ready to handle
the

Anica, Richmond

Expose it to your daughter, friend, and friends'
parents, and get the truth ... no drugs in my house =AD bottom line.

Trevor, Vancouver

I'm 14 and if my mom ratted out one of my friends
I'd be humiliated. If she had suspicions she
should have talked to the girl about it and not
snooped. At 16, teens know exactly what they're
getting into when it comes to pot use.

Karen, Vancouver

Whether it was pot or not, snooping in other kids
handbags =AD what were you thinking? You have
disrespected a reasonable boundary and you have
lost the confidence of your daughter and friends.
Don't expect them to be open and honest in the future.

Steve, West Vancouver

This is not even hard. Do not under any
circumstances talk to the girl's parents. This is
an issue between you and her. Try to take the
role of guide and counsellor who is concerned for
them and their well- being rather than the
hysterical parent =AD who they will roll their eyes at and sneak around.

Rosemary, Vancouver

THE EXPERT SAYS ...

This is the kind of situation that, while part of
the territory, wears parents down to throbbing
nerve endings. Grown-ups say a lot of things to
teens. Mostly they make decisions, give orders,
and hope they've handled the situation wisely.
But sometimes a grown-up will say or do something
that they simply cannot stand by, because
instincts tell them otherwise. In a similar way,
your delay means you've made a decision that
doesn't seem right to you: perhaps you recognize
that becoming an informant creates a risk that
the pot use goes underground, or your teen may
cease to communicate about what's happening in
her life, or her friend may continue to do what
she wants despite her punitive parents.

How far our responsibility goes as a supervising
parent depends on the age of the youth and the
level of safety risk involved =AD in other words,
it's a case-by-case basis. You=92ll need to set the
record straight on why you've changed your
decision to call the other parents. Second, set a
healthy example and be clear about what is okay
in your home. Third, have endless heart to hearts
with your daughter about her own choices =AD it's priority No. 1.

Reserve your immediate judgment and opt for a
curious conversation about your daughter's
perspective on pot use and find out whether she's
concerned about her friend's choices. This is an
opportunity to discover the =93real deal=94 about
your teen's views on substance use, do a little
research together and be clear about your bottom line.

As for the purse snooping, the odour alone was
enough evidence to initiate the conversation with
your daughter and her friends. Your decision to
tackle the problem with the keen skill of a
private eye confirmed what you knew already, at
an unnecessary cost. Keep in mind, your clout as
a parent relies heavily on your teen's trust and
your certainty =AD your keen instincts and ability
to remain a strong presence outweigh the need for proof.

Special to The Sun

NEXT WEEK'S PARENT TRAP

As a mother of three teens I've always kept an
open relationship with them and they seem willing
to talk with me about most anything =AD including
sex. My 20- year-old daughter has always made
great decisions about dating, which is something
I can't say about most of her friends.