A WAR ON DRUGS IS A BATTLE WE CAN NEVER WIN

Dame Judi Dench, Kathy Burke, Julie Christie, Sting, Sir Richard
Branson and Mike Leigh are all national treasures, each and every one
of them, but what do they know about affairs of state?

All of them have just petitioned David Cameron to decriminalise the
possession of drugs. On this occasion the celebrities are right. Even
more persuasive voices are out there banging the drum for drugs
legalisation: they include the ex-presidents of Colombia, Switzerland
and Brazil, a former Secretary General of the UN and a former US
Secretary of State.

After a century of war on narcotics, everyone concedes prohibition
doesn't work. The only people who benefit are the drug lords. They
harvest all the profit while crime flourishes. Meanwhile, users
continue to die because of toxic impurities. Our courts and prisons
are packed with young offenders, at vast cost to society and the
taxpayer. Nearly 80,000 were last year convicted or cautioned for
drug offences.

But nobody seems to know what to do next. Government reports are
commissioned that recommend radical reform of drugs policy but they
are then kicked into the long grass (excuse the herbal pun).
Politicians are powerless to make bold decisions for fear of
alienating voters or incurring hostile media coverage.

Surely the time has come at least to experiment with drug
legalisation, even if only for a limited period? Heroin and cocaine
were legal in England until the 1920s. It is far better to regulate
and license drugs before they hit the streets. The Exchequer should
then plough the money back into drugs education and treating addicts.

The biggest hypocrisy of modern society is that we still peddle
nicotine and alcohol. Tobacco is addictive, causes cancer and
emphysema. Alcohol causes liver disease. But governments haven't
outlawed either because they can tax and regulate them. Surely they
could do the same with other drugs? We legalised prostitution and
homosexuality in the face of widespread opposition and moral panic -
and society didn't collapse overnight.

As I shall never tire of telling my grandchildren, I played my own
part in the global fight against drugs. I once worked for the Save
the Children Fund in the Amazon and tried to introduce Indians to
soya beans and wean them off the coca leaf (the origin of cocaine).
The moral was self-evident: coca is bad, soya is good. But the legacy
was disastrous. Today's mass deforestation of the Amazon is largely
caused by Western demands for cheap soya. I deprived the Indians of a
livelihood and contributed to the Amazon's destruction. Our war
against drugs is alas similarly wrong-headed.

Getting saucy in the stalls

Phwoar. Alex Kingston has revealed the existence of a romping couple
whose ambition is to make love in every West End theatre. Rob Lowe
claims he had seen them in action at the Royal Box in Theatre Royal,
Haymarket, during a performance of Aaron Sorkin's A Few Good Men.
"They were right in my eyeline and at it in the middle of the show," he said.

Surely this is an urban myth? I'm not sure how reliable Lowe is as a
witness. After all, he is famously oversexed and was involved in one
of the most notorious scandals of the Eighties after a videotape
emerged of him having carnal relations with two girls, one of whom was 16.

If the romping couple do exist, why haven't they cashed in on their infamy?

Often when my mind wanders in a theatre I look enviously up at the
boxes and see heads bobbing up and down. I'm sure there's an entirely
innocent explanation. Or it could be it's not just one couple - and
more people are at it than we imagine.

The Games are not tickety-boo

Yes, me too. I was one of the 250,000 who missed out in the Olympic
ticket ballot. It is curious that people were encouraged to bankrupt
themselves in the hope of maximising their chances. Have we learned
nothing from the past few years? This is the "greed is good" ethos.
However, as a result of my bad luck, all my original goodwill towards
the Olympics has now evaporated.

But I'm going to award myself a gold medal for soothsaying. In March
last year I wrote the following words in this column when it was
announced that Londoners would not get preferential tickets despite
bankrolling the Games through our council tax: "In fact, I predict
the biggest headache at the London Olympics will be not security but
the allocation of tickets."

My winner's podium? A beach abroad next August.

Reputation management agencies are apparently on the rise. Is it any
wonder when so many reputations are at a low ebb? Politicians,
footballers and bankers have not exactly covered themselves in glory
in recent times. Thank goodness as a gossip columnist I have no need
to squander money on such an agency. A good reputation would be the
kiss of death.