I'M NOW A CANNABIS CLIENT, AND IT WAS EASY AS P-O-T

State officials and supporters like to say Arizona has the first true
medical marijuana program in the country - but it didn't take much for
me to become a state-certified pothead.

With the help of a naturopath and an out-of-state certification mill,
I breezed through the application process and scored my very own
medical marijuana card.

Am I part of a select few? Yes and no. Of the millions of Arizonans
out there, only 2,486 have been certified for medical marijuana since
the program kicked off in April. But not too many people get rejected.
So far 2,678 people have applied.

Hundreds of the applicants suffer from ailments such as cancer, AIDS,
Crohn's disease and cachexia. But most - 83.8 percent, or 2,245 people
- fall into the vague category of chronic pain. It's the magical
medical pot loophole, and it's how I was certified.

Before setting the appointment with Cannabis Patient Evaluation
Centers, my editors and I laid some ground rules.

I would be honest about where I work and my health, but I also
wouldn't mention this was for a column unless asked. I'm wired to
worry and deadlines can be stressful, so I would request medical pot
for work stress and anxiety. The doctor would likely not be named. I
wouldn't use my pot certification should I get it.

The doctor at Cannabis Patient Evaluation's office on East Fifth
Street near North Alvernon Way - which had lawn chairs in the waiting
room - was sympathetic to my anxiety plight. But she said that
wouldn't cut it. She handed me a form with a list of specific
conditions: ALS, HIV, glaucoma, among others. But there was also a box
for chronic pain.

I asked if we could change my application to chronic pain for my left
knee. It clicks and pops from two surgeries. It gets sore. But it's
sturdy enough that I bike and run long distances year-round.

The medical marijuana would really be for stress and anxiety, I said,
but my knee surgeries would fit the application.

She said she understood.

There was a quick exam, and I filled out some forms. My knee surgery
records were requested to complete the certification. After I uploaded
my final application, the state approved it in minutes.

Was she hooking me up? Not really. The knee injury is real. It was
also a workaround. She was sympathetic to anxiety and work stress.

Cannabis Patient Evaluation Centers is the creation of Dr. Ross
Horsley, a radiologist in western New York. Horsley didn't respond to
my calls, but he has a steady side business in medical marijuana
clinics. In addition to its three locations in Arizona, Cannabis
Patient Evaluation has numerous clinics in Michigan and a presence in
California. Its three doctors in Arizona are all naturopaths.

"The purpose is to provide medical marijuana for the qualifying
patients, and to help patients that are in pain or sick," Megan
Gilson,the company's managing director, told me. "They want to try
medical marijuana, and they want to be legal doing it."

The company has been aggressive. In December Cannabis Patient
Evaluation announced it was opening the first medical marijuana clinic
in the state. It has offered prequalification cards and discounts for
seniors and veterans. One of its ads features a seductive woman in a
lab coat with a stethoscope around her neck.

"COMPASSIONATE SPECIAL!!!" the ad says. "Refer 5 people and your
renewal is 50% off."

Are people gaming the system with certification mills? All you have to
do is cite a past medical event and claim chronic pain.

But Will Humble, the state's director of Health Services, said he
didn't know. Most of the applicants were older than 60, an age group
that would likely have chronic pain, he said. If the majority of
applicants were in their 20s, he said he would be stressed.

"There's no sure and fast way to know whether this patient or that
patient truly needs it for medical relief," he said, adding he thinks
most legit certifications come from primary care doctors.

Clearly the state's medical marijuana program is experiencing growing
pains. It violates federal law. Many primary care doctors are not on
board. Finding locations for dispensaries is a challenge.

If this is going to be the first true medical marijuana program in the
country, some things need to be tightened up. We can start with
guidelines for the chronic pain loophole. And we can put a stop to
certification mills.

Otherwise Arizona's medical marijuana program is going up in smoke.