SURGICAL SPIRIT AND THE BREATH-TESTING DEVICE

THIS FROM a drink-drive trial. A surgeon in the Wairarapa says the
reason he failed a breath test wasn't because of drinking: rather, an
alcohol-based sterilising rub he used during surgery that day was
absorbed into his kidneys.

OK. Well, here's a tip. Don't drink the alcohol hand wash.

And if the hand wash gets you drunk by contact, it must be a comfort
to every patient he's operated on, that the clean hands poking around
inside, are attached to and controlled by a surgeon so drunk he'll
fail a breath test. It's a toss-up really. Maybe the germs are worth the risk.

Try this experiment. Get in the shower. Open a standard 750ml bottle
of vodka. Pour it over your head. This will get everywhere. Oh, close
your eyes. Really rub it in, all over. Let it get in all those
sensitive areas. Email me if you get a buzz on.

Maybe now that party pills are banned, we'll see kids on a Friday
night taking a lot keener interest in washing their hands, over and
over, surgeon-style.

So party pills.

Let's do the drug debate. Let me explain why people do drugs.

Fun.

People have inhibitions, and would prefer they don't. People, meet drugs.

Of course, drugs have adverse health effects.

But what doesn't? It's a matter of degree. Broccoli is a wonderfood,
but I'm sure if you powdered it, then injected it into your eyeball,
I'm sure there'd be a lobby group calling for the banning of crack
broccoli next week.

And really, what isn't a drug?

Alcohol and cigarettes make the list, obviously.

I am drinking a fairly strong coffee while writing this, deliberately
for its performance-enhancing effects. Note: I am actually drinking
the coffee, using my mouth, throat and internal absorption tubes. I
am not just rubbing the beans on my hands.

So I know a bit about stimulant use.

I once mixed a vitamin B supplement, one of those fizzy ones, in a
boiling cup of coffee. I expected to become extremely alert,
observant and indefatigable, like a super-soldier. Unfortunately I
hadn't read the label on the fizzy tablet: it contained guarana,
which is another name for caffeine. The geometric caffeine
multiplication rendered me unable to speak or focus. I was at once
jittery and mute.

And I don't just do uppers. I also like the downers too, just to even
me out. Sometimes I watch Coronation St. And in the last week I've
had more than a few beers. And they really should put a warning label
on alcohol. I suppose the best thing to be said for alcohol apart
from its hand-washing abilities is that it gives you regrets but
stops you remembering them.

Then there's all the other drugs. Sugar. Fried chicken. Loud music.
But we hit the fact that banning things doesn't make them vanish. It
just takes away the warning label, list of ingredients, and raises the price.

But instead of that dead-end discussion, how about we start with this
principle: let's make life safe. Let's make a list of things that
actually kill people, and then get rid of them.

Let's start with mountain climbing.

More people die climbing mountains in this country, than using party
pills, but we never seem to ban that. Certainly Everest is a major
killer, picking off about one in three who try it. I'm surprised
Everest isn't targeted by the World Health Organisation.

And worldwide, what about the number of people who die from religion?

Religion is plainly a drug. Like drugs, people claim religion is
their avenue to truth. Like drugs, religion leads people to imagine
an alternative reality, and even to hallucinate imaginary beings, and
then to communicate with them. And the health effects. Don't get me
started. In extreme cases, religion has been shown to make certain
people explode.

Religion is plainly a dangerous social drug. A hallucinogen.

And the economic effects? It takes big amounts of money from the
pockets of the poor and into the pockets of the dealers.

Yet religion is permitted for human consumption, when it hasn't even
been tested on rats.

I don't know if party pills are at the top of the list of things we
should be concerned about. Certainly we shouldn't ban them til we
investigate whether they can run cars. We should ban petrol, at these
prices. Then everyone would have to walk, we'd all get more exercise,
and have much less stress. And we'd never get breath-tested.