Thought Police Reminder:

WEED CORRUPTS CLEAN LIFE, BELOVED BY COMMUNISTS

My beloved EMU students, I write to you out of desperation to beckon
you to action. We as a nation have yet again become afflicted with
"reefer madness." I speak, of course, of the widespread use and
gradual legalization of cannabis.

This epidemic was experienced first during the late 1960s. The side
effects were mortifying. Millions of people became red-eyed,
friendly, peace loving, insatiably horny and ravenously hungry potheads.

Peripheral damages included more thoughtful and experimental music; a
greater appreciation for Asian culture and philosophy; mass antiwar
sentiments expressed in art, prose and protest; Jack Kerouac; the
rising trend of white people donning dreadlocks; the entire musical
and comedic catalogue of Cheech & Chong; and tie-dye clothing.

Since then, our parents have tediously fought in the bloody trenches
of cultural warfare to needlessly stigmatize this benign substance,
and now it seems their patriotic efforts will be for naught.

In the 2008 election, the Michigan Medical Marijuana Act was passed
in Michigan, legalizing the medicinal use of marijuana. This, my
fellow citizens, is an affront to the irrational prejudices and
social paranoia our glorious nation was founded upon.

Thank Christ our university administration is sensible - and sober -
enough to shepherd us from our own blazed hedonism, having deemed our
beautiful campus a "drug-free zone." Therefore, all use of marijuana,
medicinal or otherwise, is banned.

This might seem naive, perhaps even fascist, given that it directly
contradicts the democratically manifested will of the citizens of
Michigan. But I ask you in earnest, why should we be granted our
legal right to indulge in a natural, non-addictive, virtually
harmless substance to manage our pain or boredom when hardworking
bio-chemical engineers have painstakingly synthesized dozens of
artificial, highly addictive, variably toxic and extremely costly
uppers, downers and everything-in-betweeners?

The simple truth is weed is downright awful stuff. The side effects
alone ought be enough to deter anyone from using it. It makes you
happy, makes food taste more delectably dynamic than ever before,
makes music inescapably hypnotic and enrapturing, and makes coitus
more earth-shatteringly orgasmic than you could have previously
dreamt. My God, why would that be alluring to anyone?

My apologies to all those hippie-dippy stoners, users and
hummus-eating losers, but the bottom line is if you want to get
messed up and stay on campus, you'll have to abuse one of the various
drugs traditionally accepted by our bass-ackward culture.

Valium, Vicodin, Oxycontin, Xanax or any other unreasonably hazardous
narcotic can be legally procured and imbibed - even on campus -
simply with a prescription from a doctor.

Be wary my fellow students. Some might see the coming era as an
unprecedented opportunity for socially enlightened drug legislation,
but I insist we do everything in our power to safeguard the paranoid
delusions and ignorant pretensions of our spiritually repressed society.

We must always remember the great philosopher Bodie Thoene, who so
rightly said apathy is the glove in which stoners hide their stash.