LET'S TAKE THE HIGH ROAD ON THE MARIJUANA ISSUE

Believe me, I hear all the talk about how the availability of medical
marijuana is driving an upsurge in drug use, and contributing to an
epidemic of crime, and ruining American values, and pretty much
wrecking the world in general.

And I just have to nod my head and say, "I know. I
know."

I never will forget the time I witnessed a shocking outbreak of
fractious behavior involving two potheads that almost led to an act of
violence. The two hostile parties argued with great vehemence for most
of two or three minutes, though it must have seemed like hours to
them, over the important issue of which album to play next: Vanilla
Fudge or Canned Heat.

I swear, things actually might have come to blows if not for the fact
that the two warring factions were deeply involved in a giant bag of
tortilla chips.

I must say, however, that despite this one shocking incident, I never
have heard a lot of news about unruly potheads terrorizing society.
There undoubtedly are lots of stories about stoners running amok in
this or that village, looting and pillaging, but I've missed all of
them, I guess.

Anyway, anybody who knows me very well is well aware that I am totally
gung-ho about putting into force more rules and regulations concerning
private behavior. Society is in a mess, and I don't think there's a
way out of it, unless we start keeping closer tabs on people, night
and day.

So I say let's get these potheads under control, for starters, but
let's not stop there.

Most of you don't know it, because you are respectable members of the
community, but every grocery store in the land offers for sale a giddy
assortment of attractively packaged poisons that, if ingested, will
cause great sickness and possible death. In fact, probable death.

I am referring, of course, to insecticides, bleaches and spot
removers. Unlike marijuana, which is a natural inhabitant of God's
splendid creation, our Earth, insecticides and bleaches and spot
removers are artificial toxic chemical potions that absolutely are not
part of nature. In fact, they are anti-nature, created in the
laboratories of man for the express purpose of destroying natural
manifestations such as bugs, dirt and stains.

The fact that any six-year-old child with pocket money can walk into
one of these so-called businesses and purchase these lethal substances
is beyond belief.

We not only must shut down the grocery stores, we also must put a stop
to hardware stores. Many of you may not know it, being the upstanding
citizens that you are, but these seemingly innocent establishments are
filled with axes, hatchets, pitchforks and even chainsaws.

It's like a horror show in there.

Why these dens of lethal terror are allowed to exist in our fragile
society is a mystery to me. If they are padlocked tomorrow, it won't
be too soon.

But our work still won't be done. Please take a seat, gentle reader,
and try to remain calm, because I now must tell you that there are
certain unsavory quarters, located in every city of our land, where
you actually can buy guns.

You heard me correctly. Guns.

Unlike marijuana, which is a leafy plant that never is mentioned in
news stories as a murder weapon, guns are devices intentionally made
for the express purpose of destroying life.

It may be hard to believe that there are venues, open to the public,
that sell these items to paying customers, but it's true. And it's
shocking.

I'm sure that all of you who believe it's important that we
immediately put a stop to the medical marijuana dispensaries will join
me in an urgent campaign to also shut down the grocery stores,
hardware stores and gun stores. Our future depends on it.

Oh, and speaking of the future, where's that other giant bag of
tortilla chips?