CASE AGAINST THE LEGALIZATION OF POT STRONG AND HILARIOUS

It's been a long time since Nancy Reagan first spearheaded the first
battle in the War on Drugs.

We've learned a lot of things since then.

Like Paris Hilton being a celebrity for, well, being a celebrity --
marijuana is bad, because it JUST IS, OKAY? And until America (and
especially Lawrence -- yeah, that's right, I'm looking at you,
Bloodshot Eyes) realizes this, puts down their hilariously named
bongs and pipes, and picks up a brewsky instead, I will not stop.

I mean, let's look at the facts. Alcohol is legal, and marijuana is illegal.

Alcohol destroys your liver like a poison, and marijuana helps ease
the pains of cancer.

Alcohol tastes like liquid-fire, and marijuana can be baked into
delicious brownies.

When you drink too much alcohol you vomit or die, and when you smoke
too much marijuana you laugh and eat pie. Not to mention the fact
that marijuana is inherently evil -- like the number 666 or cats.

Also, I read some astonishing things in a study that never happened
by the Association of Fake Studies.

The study followed a group of people who smoked marijuana regularly
and a group of people who drank regularly. All of the people who
drank regularly lived normal lives, made hundreds of thousands of
dollars a year, and one of the people turned out to be Mel Gibson.

I mean, that guy has had an awesome past couple of years, right?

All of the people who smoked marijuana regularly lived awful lives,
most were thrown in prison for having marijuana (which isn't a
cyclical argument at all), and one of the people turned out to be Seth Rogen.

Do you remember Seth Rogen?

Of course not, because the sitcom he starred on, Freaks and Geeks,
was canceled after one season.

Clearly this study proves that marijuana should stay illegal, right?

Well, 14 states have made medical marijuana legal to cancer patients,
those with chronic pain, and other fakers that also happen to be drug addicts.

There's no need to go to all that trouble making marijuana -- I mean
you need, like, air, water, and sunshine -- when you can simply take
opioids, anticonvulsants, antidepressants and local anesthetics. What
is more cool sounding than an anti-convulsant? We're past natural
junk too. I mean just the other day I had some Zoloft-flavored tea.

Pilgrims came to America to someday ride around on robots, use
jetpacks to arrive at prom, and pop chemical-infused pills until
every day is like an episode of Full House. I mean that family's mom
died in a car accident caused by a drunk driver. A drunk driver! Not
a high driver.

That hilarious sitcom would not exist if a drunk driver didn't, most
likely, horribly liquefy the mother in a car accident -- so another
"YAY!" on the alcohol side.

Listen, folks, this column was difficult to write, what with all of
the facts supporting the continuing illegality of marijuana.

If nothing else can convince, have a little dose of syllogism:
marijuana is considered a drug; meth is considered a drug, so I
submit for your approval -- MARIJUANA IS METH. Either marijuana is as
awful as meth, or society is wrong.

And when was the last time society was wrong?