THE GREAT WEED DEBATE: DON'T LEGALIZE IT

I'll take my chances with the game.

It's Christmas Eve in Philadelphia and weed is legal. Problem is, I've
got 20 minutes to get it. The state store is on holiday hours and I
still need to pick up the egg nog. No biggie, I'll just swing by Wawa
on the way home.

I check my watch. Shit. I sigh. This is gonna be a long
Christmas.

I pull up to the dispensary to what looks like a flash mob. It's not.
It's the longest, most annoyed line of people I've ever seen. I panic.
Please don't be sold out. It's Christmas! A worker announces that
production has been reduced for the holiday season, and the G-13 is
quickly running out. But I keep waiting because this is the only way
to get weed now. The only other dispensary in the city has already
been shut down. The operator is being charged in a kickback scheme.
Typical Philly.

Five minutes later, another announcement. No more weed until Dec. 26.
The government is having a dry spell. Are you kidding me? A bunch of
us bow our heads in defeat. Somebody lights up a joint but gets yelled
at for smoking weed within 1,050 feet of the building.

Feeling sorry for myself, I head to Wawa. I want Doritos. I think
about how they used to be $2.99, but ever since the government
legalized marijuana, the price has skyrocketed. Couldn't the feds at
least give out some coupons? If not for the weed, then for food?
Whatever. I'm going to splurge.

The Wawa is packed. I fight my way to the snack aisle. The Doritos are
gone. You just can't find any good snacks any more . Wonder Bread is
back to its 1980 price of 50 cents. I throw it in my basket. I don't
even like white bread. But that's all that's ever left these days. Why
the hell did I vote for this?

Pot smokers, is this how you want to get high? You're deluding
yourself if you think this kind of stuff won't happen. We're talking
about the U.S. government. They are not to be trusted. If you really
think legalizing marijuana is the answer, you've forgotten how good
the game has been to you over the years.

Harold and Kumar played the game once. It was epic.

Harold and Kumar smoke their remaining weed after work and spend the
whole night trying to a) get more weed and then b) get to a White
Castle in New Jersey.

Yet, despite all of their misadventures-Harold is bitten by a raccoon;
Kumar ends up performing surgery on a gunshot victim-would they have
done it differently if weed were legal? Fuck no. They didn't call it
Harold and Kumar Go to the Nearest Legal Weed Shop and Order Up a
Couple Spliffs to Go for a reason. No.

If you're still not convinced, let's look at some of the financial
aspects of legalization. Class, raise your hand if you think pot
smokers will go along with paying a sales tax for something you can
grow in your basement. (You can get seeds mailed to you from Amsterdam
in a CD case). Don't think for one minute that the feds won't raise
that tax. (Unless you live in Delaware, where the shopping is
tax-free.) As long as we are broke, they will. That's what they do.

They will tax us so much they will tax the high right out of us. Then,
after they get our money, they'll use some of it to fund programs
aimed at counteracting that vice because, again, that's what they do.
Don't believe me? Think cigarettes (that campaign has been going
strong for years); gambling (the feds are allowed to tax your winnings
at the highest rate possible); and fatty foods (that's why they want
you to eat at White Castle). The government will tax everything you
do. So, just to recap: You want to pay the feds to smoke weed so that
they can tell you to stop smoking weed. OK.

Don't get me wrong. The game has dry spells, too. Your dealer will run
out; his dealer will run out; the Colombian cartel or whoever the fuck
is above that guy will run out. But this-not taxes, not waiting in
line-is the price worth paying.

As I pull onto my street, I remember that I forgot the egg nog. Ugh.
Just then, I pass a liquor store and slam on the brakes. Surprisingly,
it's open.

This Christmas, I vow to always appreciate what I have.