DRUG-SNIFFING INSECTS, AND PLENTY OF OTHER WILD IDEAS

Wild ideas and questions that should have an answer, you'd think.

We have the right phrase, "war on drugs," but our attack must be more creative.

Instead of people getting hooked, why not raise species of insects to
be dependent on eating marijuana or cocaine?

Caller to 911: Holy smokes. Millions of roaches are running toward my
next door neighbor's house.

Customs agent to superior: Quiet night on my bridge. No swarm of
flies in sight.

Naturally the marijuana-dependent roaches would be quite mellow
creatures. The Raid spray people would have a hard time finding
suitable actors.

Voice: Raid kills bugs dead.

Roach: Cool, dude.

OK, here's why drug-dependent insects won't work.

Man in restaurant: All of a sudden I'm feeling awkward and weird. Why
do I want to jump out of your window?

Waiter: Yep, here's the problem. There's an off-duty fly in your soup.

Question: It's estimated the BP leak will gush for a generation if
not capped. And we're running out of oil here on Planet Earth?

Sad can be overdone, so stop already! No more pictures of oily pelicans.

You wonder if it's "news" anymore on the national TV news: This time
of year it's hurricanes in the Gulf of Mexico -- every single year.
Fall is for California burning. Winter is for ice-heavy tree limbs
sticking into roofs in upstate New York. Spring is for the flooding
of various Midwestern towns. Note: El Paso is wonderful. None of the
above. Nor do we have earthquakes.

Terrorism in a red-blooded American man's eye: The "Doctor Oz Show,"
"Dr. Phil" and "Oprah."

Worst hamburger chain mascot: Burger King. Hey, Jack. Somebody should
eat his face.

No. 2 all-time: Recently seen traveling down Sunland Park Drive
toward Interstate 10 -- motorcyclist talking on a cell phone.

All-time No. 1: Seen Downtown at Main and Campbell -- ambulance
driver wheeling around the corner with one hand on the steering wheel
and the other clutching a hot dog.

Never seen -- rarer than a chupacabra: Bicyclist or jogger heeding a stop sign.

Asarco site prediction: Launch station for El Pasoans who commute to
work on Venus and Mars. Yes, it'll be tha.aat long before the old
smelter isn't an old smelter anymore. That is unless we can get
roaches and flies dependent on eating lead and arsenic.

The drug cartel leaders in Juarez are killers, but they're not
stupid. They didn't dig their smuggling tunnel near the Border
Highway at Yarbrough. They came farther west near the Bridge of the
Americas. Remember the howling outbursts by citizens when rumor
spread of a new international port of entry in the Yarbrough area?

Fight the Mexican army. Fight each other. But don't take on that
tough group of "not in my neighborhood." They ran off the city. They
ran off TxDOT. They darn near tar-and-feathered one city rep. And the
port of entry was just a rumor.

Questions that have been asked before: How many times can you sniff a
rose before you get all the smell out? And where does the light go
when you turn off the switch?

How many of your favorite El Paso restaurants have flunked the
"NewsChannel 9 Kitchen Cops" feature that airs Mondays and Thursdays?

So far it's three for me.

Question: What makes you give up a restaurant for good:

A) Inspectors found brown on an avocado chunk.

B) The waitress said it was not her hair, it was the cook's.

C) The fly in your soup made you jump out the window.