MINISTER'S 'TERRIFYING' TRUTH

'I Feel Like I've Closed The Door On It -- Been There, Done That,
Wish I Hadn't, Ain't Going Back, Too Much Else To Do'

George Smitherman, the province's first openly gay cabinet minister,
is coming out all over again, except this time he says it is much
more "terrifying."

The 42-year-old health minister is telling Ontarians that for five
years in the early to mid 1990s he fought and beat an addiction to
street stimulants used as "party drugs."

The drugs he used were not injected, but they were illegal and he
used them regularly in the "Toronto party scene."

"I can't say I can look back and say this is why drugs became an
outlet, (but) when I review the period when they (were) a problem for
me (it was) the period that followed the passing of my dad," he told
the Toronto Star in an exclusive interview last night.

"He died at 60 of a massive brain stem stroke and lay for seven
months in a hospital bed with only the ability to move his eyes,"
Smitherman said. "When I look back that was a seismic event for me."

Fearing the repercussions of his admission, Smitherman did not want
to say what illegal drugs he used.

But he said alcohol played a factor as a trigger drug.

He was not in office -- he ran a camera shop -- but did some paid
political consulting and government relations work for various
clients, including the mayor during the period he used drugs. At that
time, the mayor was Barbara Hall.

Smitherman, MPP for Toronto Centre-Rosedale, was first elected to the
Legislature in 1999. He became health minister when the Liberals
formed the government after the 2003 provincial election.

Smitherman took the gutsy step of revealing his personal struggle at
this week's Centre for Addiction and Mental Health (CAMH) Courage to
Come Back Awards, although he gave few specifics.

"When I saw that word 'Courage' so large behind on the screen it
really made me realize it would really not be right to mount the
podium and make the traditional greeting," he said. "So I said what
was in my heart. I left the room a better person. It was liberating.
If it comes back to haunt me, so be it."

Smitherman said the drug use crept up on him.

He had a happy childhood and both his parents were very supportive of
his coming out publicly about being gay.

But both his grandfathers were gamblers and he wonders if that played
any genetic part in his substance abuse.

What bothered him most and motivated him to stop using drugs was "the
waste" he felt about himself, the "sense of lost opportunity."

"I am a fairly driven person (and) it was the recognition that this
was disabling me," he said.

He did not miss work and, on the surface, managed to "keep it
together," but he knew he was drifting due to drug use, which was
stunting his maturity.

His desire to seek public office and have an impact on the province
was an enormous motivator in his getting help, he said.

He went to his family doctor who sent him to an addiction specialist.
They spent two sessions talking about what the drugs were doing to his brain.

Then he saw a drug specialist psychiatrist for 15 to 20 sessions for
individual counselling.

He said he had to cut certain friends out of his life because they
were too closely associated with drugs and the party scene, and
initially he did not think he had the strength to avoid temptation.

When he finally cut out alcohol completely, he found it much easier
to stay clean.

Now, he's been free of stimulant drugs for 10 years and finds he can
have the occasional glass of wine, but nothing stronger.

"Life is just fantastic. (I) never could have imagined, but for a guy
like me who is hard charged, contentment is fantastic," he said.

Smitherman said he and his partner are now comfortable and settled
even though it took them 10 years to come to the point where they
were ready to commit to each other. His partner strongly supports his
decision to be honest with the public, he said.

Since he spoke at the awards show, he has received many emails of
encouragement.

Conservative Leader John Tory handed him a note of support in the
Legislature this week.

However, one of the hardest things was calling his mother, now in her
80s, and telling her he might be in the spotlight of controversy again.

"But she'll support me," he said.

Coming clean with the public about his past is a way of "being me"
and of "tying up loose ends" that have bothered him for some time, he said.

He also thinks it will let him more directly address young people
about the perils of drugs and substance abuse.

He said he believes there is "a whole lot of hurt in the world and a
whole lot of people trying to mask it with drug use."

His message to drug users?

"There are fantastic opportunities on the other side and tremendous
potential in the human experience for forgiveness. I have no doubt
that I hurt people. But as much as your current sense of despair
might seem so powerful, you can break through.

"I feel like I've closed the door on it -- been there done that, wish
I hadn't, ain't going back, too much else to do."