Column: Hitz From The Bong

HOW TO GROW WEED IN YOUR CLOSET

In my last column, I encouraged readers who were into pot to grow
their own, if only to cut out the violent monopolies of the criminal
syndicates. It's easier than you think.

The Preparation:

1. Lights - $100-200/ Fans $14/ Mylar $20: A 400 watt light should be
adequate for a small space. You will also need two small fans and
some reflective plastic or film.

2. Seeds - $50-200: Check out www.vancouverseedbank.com, where I
was titillated by a strain dubbed "Big Buddha Cheese." Average prices
run from around 50 to 200, so shop around.

3. Pots/Growing Medium - $20-25: Buy yourself some soilless mix,
which is basically peat moss. It's sterile, cheap and won't fuck with
your plants. It will allow for drainage and efficient air retention.

4. Fertilizer - $30-40: You will need three types of fertilizer.
During the vegetative state you'll need a fertilizer high in
nitrogen. For the flowering period, your plants will need a
fertilizer that is low in nitrogen and high in potassium and
phosphorus. Like all other plants, marijuana also requires a
micronutrient fertilizer. This shit is like protein powder for
plants, which means it's super expensive but actually pretty good for
them, regardless of how bad the label art is.

5. Charcoal Filters - $20-200: This is something you use to negate
the smell of pungent bud. If you Google, you can find a step by step
guide to making your own charcoal filters. You can also buy one,
which is a lot more costly.

The Set-Up:

1. Prepare your space: Give your closet a thorough cleaning, then
Lysol it. Wrap it in white plastic or reflective mylar and use a
staple gun and a roll of duct tape to put it up. This is to reflect
as much light as possible back onto your plants. Insects and mites
can have devastating effects on your crops, so spray around the door
frame with insecticide. To control humidity and airflow, install both
an intake fan and an outtake fan in your closet door. At the
flowering stage it's going to start to smell like you are running a
skunk nursery, so take your carbon filter and put it on the outtake
fan in order to eliminate the smell.

2. Prepare your seeds: The next step is to germinate. Drop your seeds
in a glass of room temperature tap water and put the glass in a clean
dark place. They will germinate at room temperature (65-80 Degrees
Fahrenheit). At 48 hours, the seeds will split and the tap root
should be exposed.

3. Plant your seeds: Fill a small plastic pot with your moist growing
medium and make a quarter inch hole in the soil with your finger.
Drop the seed taproot down and bury the fucker. A few weeks in and
your plants should be developing. If you want to speed up this stage
of growth, get a heating pad.

4. Seedlings/ Vegetative/Flowering: Keep the light close to the
leaves at all times of the cycle. If growth slows down or your leaves
start to become pale green in colour, it's time to bust out the
fertilizer. But don't just pour that shit all over your plants like
an idiot. Instead, get a test plant going and monitor the results. It
takes about three to five days to notice a difference after fertilization.

5. Cutting/Curing: Cut your plants at the stalk when they are ready.
You now need to dry and cure your plant. Place the buds lightly in
mason jars, opening them twice a day to let moisture out and new air
in and repeat for a couple weeks.

There, weed. That wasn't so hard. It is illegal, but fuck it, so is
sodomy in some states, which is equally ridiculous. I left out some
steps, such as PH balancing, cloning, sexing, and mother plants, but
this was meant to show you that it is a fairly simple process. You'll
still need the Internet before you get started, and better yet, a
book, such as Mel Frank's grower's guide. Have fun, children.

Light cycle guide:

Seedlings need 16 hours of weak light daily. The growing stage needs
18-24 hours of light a day (25-45 days). Flowering plants (producing
bud) need stronger light, 12 hours on and 12 hours off in total
darkness (45-60 days).