MOBSTERS SHOULD LEARN TO BE MORE SOCIAL WITH BFFS

The problem: A power vacuum in the Montreal Mafia. The solution:
Social networking.

Nicolo (Nick) Rizzuto was gunned down in Notre Dame de Grace last
week. His untimely passing suggests a degree of organizational
disarray in organized crime.

As you read these words, old men in grey fedoras are sipping espresso
in as-yet-unfirebombed cafes and discussing what can be done to
restore the decorum that is good for business. But time may have
passed them by.

Holy Paolo Violi, it's 2010. Stakeholders in criminal enterprises,
notably the drug trade, include street gangs, bikers and enough of the
vestigial West End gang to ensure a Point St. Charles brogue is still
the working language of the port.

How can this babel of disparate tongues and interests be reconciled so
that misunderstandings do not escalate into conflict?

One word: Facebook.

Everyone is on it. So maybe it's time for mobsters to put away the
rolls of quarters they keep for pay phones (which you can never find
anyway) and embrace new ways to reach out and touch - or threaten -
someone.

The Mob needs a bulletin board on which information is instantly
accessible. Using Facebook, a wiseguy can roll out of bed at the crack
of noon, read what his associates are doing and post an update to his
home page.

Examples:

Frankie Clams: Did you see Rocco's wife at the boss's funeral? Marone,
she's getting a big ass on her. LOL.

Comment: Rocco says "Watch your mouth!"

Jimmy the Weasel was tagged in an RCMP surveillance
photo.

Fat Tony: I have to go all the way to @#$%ing Montreal North to see
Jean-Baptiste. He wants me to lower the price. I think we can do
business, but I'll have to stay for lunch.

Comment: Sal says "Not that spicy goat stew. I delivered a kilo up
there, ate that stuff, was sick for a week.

Rocco: Hey, my goomah posted pictures of herself in a thong. Check
them out.

Big Angelo: Spent all day yesterday playing Farmville. Got frustrated
and whacked all the chickens.

Comment: Nino the Needler says "How's anger management going, you fat
fanook. BTW, play Mafia Wars. It's easier."

Point Spread Sal: Bernstein, that degenerate gambler Jewish dentist,
lost 20 large when Switzerland beat Russia. Now he can't pay and
wants more time. What kind of cafone bets junior hockey?

Comment: Jimmy Sausage says "I carried that strunz for two months after
Boston knocked the Canadiens out of the playoffs. Break his fingers."

Phil the Shark pokes all his clients to wish a Happy New Year and
remind them vig is due Friday.

Big Angie: I got this off YouTube. The scene in Scarface where he says,
"Say hello to my little friend." I love that part.

Comment: Mikey Boots says "Pacino chews the scenery like it's my
mother's osso bucco. He was better in G1 and G2."

Sonny the Bull: Here's a link to the QFL construction union website.
Some useful phone numbers there.

Comment: Guido says: "Yeah, but they have to update it. A few of those
guys are in the joint."

Tommy the Florist: I hate to be pushy, but it's been four days since
the funeral. Any chance of being paid?

Comment: Vito says "Sure. Send the bill to Nick Rizzuto,
bwaaah-ha-ha-ha!"

Sammy the Bull: Late for dinner tonight. I got business that might
take a while.

Comment: Signora Bull says "Don't forget the list I gave you. Bring
the cannoli. Leave the gun."