'AN EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER'

They went from parents to grandparents and back to parents again - not
by choice, but by love.

Tom and Diane (not their real names) raised five children and were
enjoying life in the role of a traditional grandparent. But this
changed with a phone call. It was the Ministry of Children and
Families and it was not entirely unexpected. The couple's daughter had
been struggling for some time with addictions to drugs and alcohol and
they could see the situation was deteriorating. A neighbour had
reported the plight of their three grandchildren to the authorities,
as they were living in squalor in a known drug house in Canoe.

Tom and Diane had to make a fast decision - take the kids themselves
or see them, likely split up, and put into foster care.

"We wondered, can we do this? But we knew we couldn't sleep at night
knowing they were apart from each other with strangers in foster
care," says Tom.

Within a few hours the three children, aged, four, six and nine were
being dropped of by a social worker with not much more than the
clothes on their backs.

"The youngest didn't even have shoes," says Diane. "It is so hard to
understand that drugs become more important that buying your child
clothes."

Having lived without children in their home for 12 years, the couple
were faced with an enormous financial burden - they went out and
bought bunk beds, clothes, toiletries and school supplies.

Two of the children needed dental work, as their teeth had rotted from
a diet of junk food.

In any situation where grandparents are raising their grandchildren,
there has been some kind of trauma: a parent has died, has become sick
or is somehow incapable of properly caring for them. "They knew more
about sex, drugs and violence than any kid of that age should," says
Tom.

For the first six months, one of the children would hide her toys
whenever anyone came to visit.

"She couldn't understand that no one would take them away," says
Diane.

Fortunately Tom and Diane have flexibility with their employment and
were able to respond to the needs of the children, but it took a toll
on them, their marriage and their finances.

"We would collapse into bed at night totally exhausted. It was an
emotional rollercoaster," says Tom.

The couple spent a lot of time working with the ministry to access
resources for counselling, respite care, and special help with
schooling because the children had never attended school in any
meaningful way.

They want to encourage other grandparents to keep asking questions of
the ministry and to connect with other grandparents and share
information.

"We were shocked to find out how many grandparents are in similar
situations. It is an absolute epidemic out there."

They also say how much support means. "To hear encouragement goes a
long way to reminding yourself that despite how hard it is, you are
doing a good thing," says Tom.

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SUPPORT SESSIONS FOR GRANDPARENTS

The Family Resource Centre is offering the following series of
workshops to support grandparents that are parenting their
grandchildren.

Thursday, Nov. 19, 1-4 p.m. - Financial and legal concerns for
parenting grandparents. There will be representatives from the
Ministry of Family and Children Development, Ministry of Housing and
Social Development and a family practice lawyer to answer questions
and hear concerns.

Thursday, Jan. 14 9 a.m.-noon. Topics will include discussions on
current parenting practices, how to provide an environment that will
enable your grandchild to behave better, making your grandchild feel
safe, and providing order and organization.

March, date and time to be announced. Topic is how to build a
supportive network.

To register call The Family Resource Centre at 250-832-2170.