ADDICT STAYS CLEAN FOR HER BABIES' SAKE

As Lianne walks into the Brampton courthouse, she takes a deep breath.
She has been waiting for this day a long time.

She is there to seek a restraining order against a former boyfriend,
who she says supplied her with crack and physically hurt her in the
past.

Since getting out of rehab nearly two months ago, she says she has
tried to keep clear of him. But he's continually calling and she is
scared he will show up at her home. She fears for her safety and her
sobriety.

"I can't go around him without using," the 25-year-old woman says.

It's a sunny afternoon in mid-March and Lianne arrives at the
courtroom, thinking she is early. She misplaced her court documents
but is certain she knows the start time. But she is almost an hour
late and the matter has been withdrawn. Her ex, who was there on time,
has left.

"Argh, I'm such an idiot ... I feel like I'm a relapse waiting to
happen."

In January, she attended a 24-day program at Hope Place Women's
Treatment Centre in Milton. It was her second go at treatment. The
first time, she was six months pregnant with twins. Belligerent,
uncooperative and jonesing for dope, she lasted four days.

When she showed up this year, counsellors didn't know what to expect.
She opened up about being molested at the age of 3 by a babysitter's
teenaged son. And spoke of quitting high school, just five credits
short of her diploma, and her quick descent into drug use.

She described herself as a "hustler," with a talent for playing men to
get drugs and money. It was always about "the bag."

"I never wanted to sleep with him," she says about her ex. She says
she often lay there, "waiting for it to be over," focused on her reward.

"Once you get on the jones, you can't control it," explains Lianne,
who started smoking marijuana at age 12 and was "heavy into the coke"
by her sweet 16.

She didn't quit when she was homeless and living with her
then-boyfriend in his red two-door Sunfire, often sitting in the front
seat and using cocaine, while her three cats lay atop their meagre
belongings in the back.

And she didn't dry out when the drugs wreaked havoc on her health. She
once did the chicken - a term addicts use to describe the convulsions
while overdosing - and bit the left side of her tongue off. On another
occasion, she was hospitalized after developing an infection because
she would spit onto her forearm, wipe off the dirt and stick a used
needle into a vein.

And she didn't stop when she became pregnant. There were days when she
smoked $100 worth of crack.

"When my water broke, I went up the street to grab a friggin' 20-piece
(of crack)," remembers Lianne. "(I was) having contractions and could
barely walk up the street, but I went to grab a 20-piece."

She worries about her twins, born last summer. They were five weeks
premature but healthy. She fears her drug use may have affected their
brain development and could result in learning disabilities.

While at Hope Place, Lianne spoke of the shame she felt for using
while pregnant and being stoned during the first five months her
babies were home, before Peel Children's Aid Society moved them to
temporary foster care.

Before leaving Hope Place, Lianne wasn't sure if she could stay clean
and for how long. It was a fighting chance.

Her first evening back home, Lianne visited a friend and smoked
marijuana. She had relapsed before she had even unpacked.

"My friend was like, `At least, it's not crack,'" recalled Lianne, who
agreed even though the pot left her with a "bad body buzz."

She did, however, take her counsellors' advice and went to an AA
meeting that night. But, because she was high, she was not comfortable
and left.

Her first few days out of rehab were filled with triggers. A phone
booth elicited memories of setting up a pickup, and a Coffee Time shop
near her house, dubbed Crack Time because you can score dope there,
was a source of seduction.

"I had a using dream last night," she remarked a week after returning
home. "I was calling a dealer and I woke up and was like `Whoa, it was
so real.' They're so vivid they scare the s--- out of me."

And there are still people around her who smoke marijuana, oblivious
to how the smell makes her restless, causing her legs to fidget
uncontrollably.

"I've changed but no one around me has changed."

Yet, having friends who are clean, or "earth people," does not appeal
to her. She fears being judged and misunderstood, so the few friends
she has are also recovering addicts.

She steers clear of coke or crack, and when she craves it, she pulls
out a children's Disney colouring book and uses crayons to colour the
characters. She also uses markers to colour in felt pictures bought at
the dollar store.

After weeks of meetings with CAS, Lianne and her mother, with whom she
lives in a two-bedroom rental, were allowed to bring the babies home
in early March. Lianne hopes if she can stay clean for the next three
months, she will regain full custody.

Being a mom has been tough: the diaper changes, the late-night
feedings and the crying - all of which she must handle while sober.

"I have no idea how I did this when I was high," she said one day
while at home, trying to soothe one fussy baby while changing the
diaper of another.

She says she wants to straighten up for her kids. That's why she has
gone to weekly AA meetings and aftercare sessions at Hope Place.

Now she's determined to keep herself and her babies safe. That's why
she says she wanted a restraining order.

But as she leaves the Brampton courthouse, Lianne sounds defeated,
saying she doesn't know if she'll go through the process again.

Minutes later she receives a text. She says it's her ex, writing to
thank her for not showing up at the hearing and offering her $50 worth
of crack - a token of his appreciation.

"thanks for COURT I owe you a 5," he writes in one text.

Another follows:

"I am horny and want to f--- you don't think your 5 was for free do
you strings r attached."

Lianne shakes her head. She says she will reapply for another
restraining order. "What other choice do I have?" she asks, before
heading home to her babies.