I'M DATING A POTHEAD

I Don't Want To Cut Him Out Of My Life Over This. Can I Make It
Work?

The question

I am a successful fiftysomething woman, in love with a fellow who
tokes high-powered cannabis morning, noon and night. He's always high
and suffers from memory loss and emotional irregularity. He withdraws
for days at a time if I so much as look at him in a way that suggests
he has a deficiency (his word not mine). Otherwise he's perfect The
sex is wonderful. And he's attractive as heck. Also, we have fun
together, going on bike rides and such. But the relationship is not
moving forward, in fact it's like he functions in a reset button mode.
I think the cannabis has affected his emotional development. He's been
doing it for many years. I have sought help and have lots of
information for him about assessments and treatment. When I presented
all this, he stormed off and disappeared. It's been five weeks. I
don't want to cut him out of my life just for the sake of my values.
Is there a way to have both?

The answer

It's hard to know how to deal with a pothead.

Because, at least from what I've heard (cough, cough, columnist's eyes
dart around fishily), the whole point of smoking pot is to disengage
from, and tune out, everything and everyone around you.

Apparently, when you "get high," you float around on a fragrant,
nirvanalicious cloud of "mellow vibes," soaring above about the
"hassles" of everyday existence.

Potheads don't like to deal with things, they don't like friction and
confrontation: that's why they get high in the first place

But now you're "harshing his mellow" with your demands that he engage
with you and meet your needs.

Which probably has him groping for his stash more desperately than
ever. He may need to smoke a whole baggie of hydroponic to get high
enough to ignore the querulous beefs of someone as close to him as
you.

Don't get me wrong. Pot, like alcohol, like anything, is great in
moderation, and everyone has the right to relax.

But frankly, I wouldn't get involved with a morning-noon-night type
pot-smoker at all. At some point, on some level, these "wake and bake"
types have pretty much decided to check out.

Research on marijuana addiction is inconclusive, but you can bet that
anything that comes between a smoker and his "chronic" has to go.

And that includes human beings, even those who love the
round-the-clock stoner - which is terribly sad.

The best things in life, in my view, are a) the feeling you get when,
after a bunch of hard work, you accomplish something you're proud of;
b) loving and being loved, taking care of and being taken care of, by
other human beings.

Getting high, they tell me, mimics these feelings, except without all
the drag of hard work and the hassle of getting involved with human
beings and their problems and needs.

I'm not saying give up on this guy. All people and situations are
salvageable: that's the whole point of this column.

Rather, I would say: Drop an ultimatum on his fuzzy, pot-clouded
melon: "It's me or the bong, buster."

Honestly, I don't like your chances in the short-term. If he
disappears for five weeks when presented with a fistful of health-care
brochures, I imagine he won't react well to your ultimatum.

He'll wonder why you're being so "uptight," why you're "freaking out"
on him, and why he can't have both you and his beloved bud, dude.

But make it clear he can't. Because if you give in, let him have both,
it will end in tears and heartbreak, I can pretty much assure you. He
will always, on some level, be disengaged, checked out, in his own
little world.

(I mean, apart from everything else, you didn't mention what he does
for a living. Anything? I can't imagine what he could do well in his
permanently lifted state - and therefore how could you respect him?)

He needs to face reality, head-on. If it's hard on you, just tell
yourself you're helping him.

If he buggers off permanently, that's his call. But perhaps, in a
lucid moment, somewhere down the line, he'll realize he's made a
mistake trading love for his beloved weed.

Unfortunately, from what I've seen of these types of characters, that
probably won't happen. They're too attached to their herbal anodyne.

But maybe your boy will be the exception.

If so, congrats. You'll have the great guy, the great sex, the fun
bike rides, and the added bonus that he'll be grateful to you for
helping him reform himself and get off the pipe.

If not, well, perhaps by then you'll have moved on. And if you bump
into him in the street, he probably won't even remember your name, let
alone that you were ever upset with him.