COMPLAINING ABOUT THOSE WHO COMPLAIN ABOUT MARIJUANA, WHICH DOESN'T
NEED TO BE COMPLAINED ABOUT

So another Winnipeg winter has come and gone, and spring is finally
here. We as Winnipeggers now find ourselves in limbo between the two
main complaining seasons. Spring and autumn can be very trying times
for all of us in this fair city as it can sometime be unclear exactly
what we should be complaining about.

Some people are still complaining that it's too cold, while the more
forward-thinking among us have already begun complaining that's too
hot, or that there are too many bugs.

On aggressively moderate days, I've even seen people complain that the
weather is too seasonal, and in one case, even that there isn't enough
to complain about. It truly is a wonderful and magical time to be in
Winnipeg.

Another outstanding springtime tradition in our wonderful city,
happens every year on April 20 when a bunch of dirty pseudo-hippies
get together on the front lawn of the legislative building to smoke
large amounts of marijuana and eat insanely overpriced hot-dogs.

For a long time, I thought they were doing this to celebrate Adolph
Hitler's birthday, which happens to fall on the same day, but a few
years ago, a friend of mine set me straight by telling me that what
I'd been witnessing was not a birthday celebration at all; it was a
political movement in the making. These people were not celebrating
Hitler's birthday, but instead, were demanding (through the cunning
use of public demonstration) that their rights and personal freedoms
be recognized. They were there to bravely force our oppressive
government into legalizing marijuana by abolishing its rigidly
enforced anti-marijuana laws that make it impossible for people to do
things like smoke a bunch of marijuana on the front lawn of the
legislative buildings every year.

Any of you who might happen to be hippies may be far too stoned to
have picked up that I'm being ironic, so before continuing, I feel I
should make it very clear that I am, in fact being facetious. I think
protests like the ones held every April 20 can be very effective and
do make sense in places where the enforcement of marijuana laws
actually takes place, but Winnipeg is hardly such a place.

Marijuana has actually been decriminalized to the perfect degree. It's
still illegal enough so the government can't regulate and dilute its
potency while charging way too much money for it, and it's legal
enough for us to be able to smoke it pretty much whenever and wherever
we choose, with little to no consequences.

So I say, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." Unless you hippies are
out there every year fighting for the right to worse and more
expensive pot, then you should take a step back to think about what
you're actually doing.

Now, don't get me wrong. I see where you are coming from ideologically
speaking. I agree that, in theory, it seems unjust that a harmless
plant like marijuana should be illegal to consume while dangerous
drugs like Viagra (which give boners to old men) are not only legal,
but are advertised and promoted on national television.

I know I'd personally rather live in a society with a bunch of
lethargic people eating ketchup chips than with a bunch of horny
gyrating old men, but I think when it comes to political protest, we
should all look at the bigger picture and choose our battles more carefully.

Because if we don't we might get what you dirty hippies seem to keep
asking for: expensive shitty weed that you can only buy on weekdays
before 9:30 at night.