OF MICE AND MEN AND PORK AND BONGS

In the past few weeks, as the president's stimulus plan made its way
through Congress, Americans were able to witness how, in a time of
genuine crisis, the two political parties can set aside their petty
differences to take care of the nation's urgent business: Democrats:
"You obstructionist Republicans need to stop blocking this
desperately needed stimulus bill."

Republicans: "Maybe we would, if it really were a stimulus bill. But
it's not, it's a pork-filled spending bill!"

Democrats: "Of course it's a spending bill -- that's what a stimulus
bill is, you ninnies."

Republicans: "Don't call us ninnies -- that just shows you don't
believe in bipartisanship!"

Democrats: "Really? If we didn't believe in bipartisanship, would we
interrupt an important debate on the economy to vote on a big
congressional pay raise for ourselves?

Speaking of which, all in favor?"

Republicans and Democrats: (in unison) "Aye!"

So at least we can take comfort knowing that there are some areas
where our elected representatives can still come together to get things done.

But if you were engrossed by the stimulus debate on C-SPAN, perhaps
watching to see if your congressional representative snickered while
debating the stimulative benefits of birth control spending, you
might have missed the really important news during that period, which
was the revelation that a 23-year-old was caught smoking marijuana.

I know, pretty shocking, right? Of course, this particular incident
was newsworthy because the 23-year-old in question was Olympic
champion Michael Phelps, and drug use among top-level athletes is
virtually unheard of -- unless you count hundreds of baseball players
including Alex Rodriguez, Barry Bonds and Mark McGwire; NFL stars
like Ricky Williams, Randy Moss and Super Bowl MVP Santonio Holmes;
not to mention 95 percent of the people associated with the NBA,
including the announcers, referees and cheerleaders.

Still, the 14-time gold medal-winner's misstep was an opportunity for
us in the media to exercise our outrage, and by gum, we were going to
do it. Judging from the public's lack of condemnation for Phelps'
recreational drug use, however, it appears that we media types may be
a little out of touch with the times, which perhaps explains why we
continue to use expressions like "by gum." It turns out that
Americans are not particularly upset that Michael Phelps, after
spending six hours a day in the pool every day for the past 10 years
training to become the greatest Olympic champion in history, might
want to kick back and smoke a little pot. No doubt, with all that
time in the pool, Phelps missed those helpful public service
announcements that used to run during Saturday morning cartoons,
graphically warning that drug use inevitably leads to criminal
behavior, destroys families and, if I remember correctly, fries eggs.

Afew days into the controversy, Phelps made a humiliating public
apology, but it wasn't enough to save his endorsement deal as a
spokesman for Kellogg's Frosted Flakes cereal. In a press release,
the company explained that "while we have appreciated our
relationship with Michael Phelps, we do not feel that a product like
Frosted Flakes should be associated with someone who uses marijuana.
Cocaine maybe -- the product is called 'Frosted' Flakes, after all --
but marijuana? Sorry, no."

Like the press, Kellogg's may have also misjudged the public mood.
Irate at the company's decision to drop Phelps, pot smokers by the
thousands have inundated the Kellogg's consumer hotline with phone
calls, angrily demanding to know when that pizza they ordered is
going to arrive.

Meanwhile, representatives from groups such as the Marijuana Policy
Project and the National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana
Laws have gone on record indicating that they plan to organize a
boycott of Kellogg's products, "just as soon as we finish watching
this 'Gilligan's Island' marathon on Nick at Nite."

Still, there remains a small minority of Americans who continue to
condemn Phelps' pot smoking, pointing out that, whatever one's
opinion of the effects of marijuana use, it's still against the law.
But you know what else is against the law? Cheating on your taxes.
Yet these days not only do we look the other way when folks fail to
pay their taxes, but we even offer them jobs in the highest levels of
government.

Speaking of which, since President Barack Obama is also an avowed
former pot smoker himself, I say we add marijuana use to tax evasion
as a qualification for serving in the president's Cabinet. This idea
is particularly timely since we've already got a highly qualified
candidate to head up a newly created Department of Mellowing Out in
legendary country singer/pothead/ frequent IRS target Willie Nelson.

Why, after just an hour or so spent "in session" with Secretary
Willie on the stimulus plan, I bet Republican and Democratic
congressional leaders would have had no trouble eliminating all kinds of pork.

Should Michael Phelps accept a new sponsorship deal with High Times
Magazine? E-mail your thoughts to Malcolm@CultureShlock.com. Malcolm
Fleschner is a local humor columnist who regularly writes for the
Daily News' Fusion section.