PHELPS RUNS AFOUL OF NATION'S ANTIQUATED DRUG LAWS

WASHINGTON - It's hell being a celebrity, especially if you're young
and find yourself at a party, where marijuana and cameras should never
mix.

And it's not exactly heaven being sheriff of a county with escalating
drug crimes and pressure to treat all offenders equally.

Thus it is that Olympian swimmer Michael Phelps and Sheriff Leon Lott
of South Carolina's Richland County are being forced to treat
seriously a crime that shouldn't be one.

As everyone knows by now, Phelps was photographed smoking from an
Olympic-sized bong during a University of South Carolina party last
November. As all fallen heroes must - by writ of the Pitchforks &
Contrition Act - Phelps has apologized for behavior that was
"regrettable and demonstrated bad judgment," and has promised never to
be a lesser role model again.

Check.

Lott, meanwhile, is threatening action against Phelps because ... he
has to. Widely respected and admired as a "good guy" who came up
through the ranks, Lott is in a jam. Not one to sweat the small stuff,
he nevertheless has said that he'll charge Phelps with a crime if he
determines that the 14-time gold-medal winner did, in fact, smoke pot
in his county.

The sheriff's job will be made both easier and tougher by evidence
that includes a photograph of Phelps with his face buried in a
smoke-filled tube and what Lott has called a "partial confession."
Phelps has said that the photo is legit. The only missing link,
apparently, is the exact location of the party.

What's tough is that Lott probably doesn't want to press charges
because it's a waste of time and resources. He's got much bigger fish
to fry, but several recent drug-related crimes - including at least
two high-profile murders - have captured community attention.

And the law is the law. Therein lies the problem.

Our marijuana laws have been ludicrous for as long as we've been
alive. Almost half of us (42 percent) have tried marijuana at least
once, according to a report published last year in PLoS Medicine, a
journal of the Public Library of Science.

The U.S., in fact, boasts the highest percentage of pot smokers among
17 nations surveyed, including The Netherlands, where cannabis clouds
waft from coffeehouse windows. Among them are no small number of
high-ranking South Carolina leaders (we knew us when), who surely
cringe every time a young person gets fingered for a "crime" they
themselves have committed.

Other better-known former tokers include our current president and a
couple of previous ones, as well as a Supreme Court justice, to name
just a few. A complete list would require the slaughter of several
mature forests.

This we know: Were Phelps to run for public office someday and admit
to having smoked pot in his youth, he would be forgiven. Yet, in the
present, we impose monstrous expectations on our heroes. Several
hand-wringing commentaries have surfaced the past few days, lamenting
the tragic loss for disappointed moms, dads and, yes, The Children.

Understandably, parents worry that their kids will emulate their idol,
but the problem isn't Phelps, who is, in fact, an adult. The problem
is our laws - and our lies.

Obviously, children shouldn't smoke anything, legal or otherwise. Nor
should they drink alcoholic beverages, even though their parents
might. There are good reasons for substance restrictions for children
that need not apply to adults.

That's the real drug message that should inform our children and our
laws, rather than the nonsense that currently passes for drug
information.

Today's anti-drug campaigns are slightly wonkier than yesterday's
"Reefer Madness," but equally likely to become party hits rather than
drug deterrents. One recent ad produced by the White House Office of
National Drug Control Policy says: "Hey, not trying to be your mom,
but there aren't many jobs out there for potheads." Whoa, dude, except
maybe, like, president of the United States.

Once a kid realizes that pot doesn't make him insane - or likely to
become a burrito taster, as the ad further asserts - he might figure
other drug information is equally false. That's how marijuana becomes
a gateway drug.

Phelps may be an involuntary hero to this charge, but his name and
face bring necessary attention to a farce in which nearly half the
nation are actors. It's time to recognize that all drugs are not equal
- - and change the laws accordingly.

Kathleen Parker writes for the Washington Post Writers Group, 1150
15th St. NW, Washington, DC 20071.