HELPING OBAMA PASS HIS AGENDA, THAT DOOBIE

The legislative cocktail hours are a good start, but if President
Obama really wants to win over congressmen, he'll host White House pot
parties.

At least this is the impression I get from "The Official High Times
Pot Smoker's Handbook," a guide from America's premier
marijuana-themed magazine/emergency rolling paper. Chronicle Books
sent it for free to Daily Illini features editor Jim Vorel in the
hopes he'd publish a review but, in pursuit of journalistic
excellence, I stole it off his desk.

I should confess that I've never personally tried marijuana. I thought
if I ever wanted to run for public office, past pot usage could ruin
me.

This theory has been challenged by the fact that every president since
Clinton has smoked up. (Not in office, as far as I know. These things
always happen as "youthful indiscretions," which is a charming way of
saying that if you did it, they'd sic federal rottweilers on you.)

Which makes me wonder if Obama's cocktail hours go far enough. George
W. Bush was a recovering alcoholic who stayed as far from booze as he
could, making his presidential galas the most boring since 1877-81,
when Rutherford B. Hayes banned alcohol from the White House grounds
and required all guests, regardless of gender, to sport full-length
beards.

But Obama has no such "recovering" status, and already hosted a number
of spirits-infused events for wooable congressmen, including cocktail
hours, a Super Bowl party, and an Oval Office beer pong tournament won
by Roland Burris, who added the accomplishment to his tombstone.

Still, alcohol shouldn't be Obama's legislative lubricant of choice.
It flares the temper, blurs the vision, causes hangovers, and makes
you steal the "High Times" book off Jim Vorel's desk. But if the
president instead smokes pot with congressmen, we could see great
American advances:

Obama: "What if we had NASA, like, send a dude to Mars?"

Congressman: "And he could totally bring back Doritos!"