TOTAL PHELPS BASHING IS ALL WET

This column is about Michael Phelps and marijuana. I should have
written it days ago but I was afraid.

You write one way or the other about young people smoking weed and the
world polarizes -- either you're labeled an irresponsible advocate for
illegal drugs or you're an oppressive pig, and I've heard those
arguments for decades and don't want to participate anymore. Been
there, done that.

But what Phelps did and what happened to him are significant and I
want to write about them and I want to be responsible, so I'm
intentionally limiting the focus of this piece and I refuse to get
into "Pot: pro or con."

Someone photographed Phelps sucking on a bong at a party and the photo
got published. It's unclear if Phelps actually was smoking anything --
it just looked like he might have been smoking marijuana. All hell
broke loose. Moralists said he was a terrible person because he's a
role model and role models are held to a higher standard.

I'd like to answer that role-model business right away. Don't dare put
the burden of role model on a 23-year-old jock. Phelps is a swimmer,
not a priest, hardly a hero. Let him be what he is.

Hey, Mom and Dad, if you want role models for your kids, get off your
collective butts and be the role models you signed up to be.

Don't abdicate your responsibility and hand it to some guy you've seen
only on TV. Don't dare do that.

When the bong photo was published, Kellogg's, one of Phelps' sponsors,
dumped him faster than Phelps can swim one lap. A hue and cry went out
across the land. Kellogg's had its nerve taking advantage of one
mistake by a national icon. People want to organize a boycott of
Kellogg's products. Subway, on the other hand, is bravely sticking
with our boy Mike.

What do we make of this? I, for one, think Kellogg's has every right
to sever relations with the bong-sucking Phelps. Kellogg's can run its
business any way it wants. Phelps eagerly accepts millions of dollars
from sponsors like Kellogg's -- Speedo and Omega watches are keeping
him -- and in exchange he's marketing a certain image: all-American
boy, healthy boy, boy next door. Now he's violated those images.
Instead of being the poster child for a healthy America, he's the bong
child. Kellogg's is under no moral obligation to keep Phelps.

It may not be horrible to appear to smoke weed in Northern California
- -- then again it may -- but Phelps was marketing himself to Middle
America and he blew it -- bad metaphor under the circumstances. He was
not diligent about his image. And it was his job to protect his image
because he had signed certain contracts based on that image, real or
made-up. His faults were grave stupidity and carelessness and he got
punished and he deserved to.

I want to point out he's not financially ruined by any means. Most of
his sponsors stuck with him. They stuck because this furor will blow
over and they can make a pile of dough with this great swimmer. So
much for moral stands.

A second aspect of the Phelps Affair is troubling. USA Swimming
suspended him for three months and took away certain funding it gives
its swimmers -- not that Phelps needs its funding. USA Swimming said:
"We decided to send a strong message to Michael because he
disappointed so many people."

Well, isn't that just peachy? Now if you disappoint people, you get
punished. Understand USA Swimming didn't say he flunked a drug test --
he never took one in this case. And USA Swimming didn't say he
actually smoked marijuana -- Phelps isn't saying and USA Swimming
doesn't know. The swimming bunch is suspending Phelps based on
appearances, even though marijuana is most definitely not a
performance-enhancing drug -- quite the opposite -- and even though
Phelps is not currently competing.

This is a public-relations move by USA Swimming, a cynical,
hypocritical move to show it's on the right side of the weed divide.
Shame on USA Swimming. Corporate America, which always gets the kick
in the gut, is on firmer moral ground than the swimming federation.

One more thing about Phelps. During the Olympics, he came off as
pre-packaged, as a product, not as a human being. I imagine he's
trained almost every day for the past 10 years. I imagine he never had
a chance to be a kid. I'm no shrink, but I believe his emotional
development got arrested somewhere along the line and now he's making
up for missed opportunities, experimenting the way 16- and
17-year-olds experiment. I am not saying experimenting is right. I'm
saying it exists.

If I'm correct, and I think I am, this experimenting, this being
caught in a stupid photo, is the most real thing we've encountered
about Phelps. It shows us a 23-year-old acting like a teenage boy.

This photo shows us something sad but also endearing.

He's screwing up. He's carelessly ruining his image. It's the price
he's paying for being a prodigy who never had a life. That's the
important part about all this. He won all these medals for himself and
America, and in the process he missed every important growing phase --
even the teenage phase of doing really foolish things. I bet you've
done foolish things in your time. I sure have.