HEY, BONG BOY PHELPS - IT'S NOT THE POT THAT MADE YOU SUCH A DOPE

I like to think that years from now, long after we've seen sense and
marijuana is sold legally across the drugstore counter, it will still
be considered a bad idea to be photographed taking a hit from a big,
glass bong at a party.

In fact, even post-decriminalization, having a photo of oneself
holding a bong at a party published in the News of the World should
lead to losing all one's product endorsements. So far this hasn't
happened to 14-time Olympic gold-medalist Michael Phelps.

Many of the swimmer's sponsors, including Speedo, Visa and luxury
watchmaker Omega, have vowed to stand behind him. He was, however,
dropped by Kellogg's, for whom he endorsed Frosted Flakes - a food
heavily favoured by stoned college kids. Overkill, I guess.

But in a more enlightened future, I envision a company issuing a
press release: "Bong Boy will not be shilling for us. We don't care
how fast he can swim. A bong? A big multicoloured bong? At a
university party? Does he have any idea how dorky that looks? There
aren't enough pictures of this man in a tiny swimsuit to compensate
for the big, backwards baseball cap he's wearing, either.

"Our marketing division has cancelled all contracts with Bong Boy and
entered instead into talks with a super-cool bronze-medal winner. He
was a full three minutes slower, but is shown here captured in a
still from the Jumbotron discreetly sparking up a big fat one at a
Black Mountain concert. Looking fine."

No one looks good taking a hit from a bong. And since research has
shown that there are only two things worth doing when you're stoned -
listening to music and having sex - and a party is seldom a good
place to do either one, I think people are right to question Mr.
Phelps's judgment.

(I know there are some readers who will argue this point, so I'll add
"eating cake and watching Anchorman" to the list before you start
sending me angry e-mails.)

The fact that Mr. Phelps's sponsors signed these contracts before the
recession and they are mostly standing by them amazes me. No one else
is allowed to keep his job.

I read this week that they're cutting 1,000 jobs from the Bay, and
thought, "Really? There are 1,000 people working at the Bay?" And
then I read further and learned that they don't plan to dismiss
anyone on the retail level and I thought, "Oh great. She must be relieved."

It's good to know that there'll be one cashier left at the Bay and
Michael Phelps still pitching for Omega when the economy hits bottom.

I've never asked for any athlete to be a role model for my children.
I resent that the media, many athletes and the government that
sometimes funds them assume otherwise. Athletes can just be athletes.
That's fine. I'm not convinced that children need role models. They
need good parents. Or one good parent anyway - anything after that is gravy.

Children mostly have an innate sense of themselves that magnificently
defies the imposition of role models.

When I asked my young son what the boys in the playground were saying
about Mr. Phelps, he told me they said, "What an idiot. Duh -
cellphone cameras."

And as for the very young children, maybe it would help if we just
didn't tell them what a bong is. It could be an elaborate,
Swiss-designed creme brulee torch. I remember seeing the oddest
things going on as a child that seemed no odder than the other things
adults did - like putting on eye shadow or eating shellfish. I grew
up before I recognized what it was I was seeing.

I want Mr. Phelps back out of the news anyway. When this bong
incident came to light, things were just getting back to normal at
the pool where I swim most days.

During the Olympics, the male swimmers began stretching and pacing,
endlessly adjusting their goggles before swimming. "Get your newly
bathing-capped selves back to the slow lane, lads," I thought, "where
you belong. And enough with the breathing."

I'll never understand why a grown man enjoying marijuana is a crime,
and a grown man popularizing the butterfly (and this seems like the
wrong word for this motion) stroke isn't.