THE UNITED STATES IS MIRED IN ADOLESCENT BEHAVIOUR

Those of us who grew up in the 1970s will fondly remember that Brady Bunch
episode when Jan and Marcia see Greg smoking a cigarette and then Marcia
goes and tattles to their insufferable parents.

Wise to their son's evildoings, Mike and Carol then confront the
wayward boy, and goody-goody Greg admits to his crime.

And within 30 minutes, everyone is wiser, and ready for another wacky
adventure.

It took the rest of us a little more than half an hour to work through
the trials of adolescence, but we made it. Not so for American
culture, which seems mired in eternal adolescence, trapped in an
endless play where the captured evildoer feigns contrition, America
feigns outrage, and then all is forgiven.

This time, the offender is U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps, who
has won something like a zillion gold medals. Captain America went
from hero to zero in a matter of seconds, after the British tabloid
News of the World published a picture of him getting up close and
personal with what appears to be a bong.

Never mind that Phelps was a 23-year-old coming off a record breaking
Olympics. Or that he has probably lived a more disciplined life than
any other 23-year-old on the planet. Or that the U.S. just inaugurated
a president who admitted to having used marijuana.

No, so great was Phelps' offence that his management company allegedly
tried to bribe News of the World into not running the picture, lest
the Mike and Carol Bradys of America get an eyeful.

And when that didn't work, Phelps -- or more accurately one of his
handlers, since even if he were high he wouldn't talk like this --
issued the obligatory mea culpa, saying, "I'm 23-years-old and despite
the successes I have had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and
inappropriate way. . . ."

As ludicrous as that apology sounds, it was necessary, since big
business isn't going to give Phelps zillions of dollars for his
zillions of medals, at least not until he feigns contrition and they
feign outrage.

So while Phelps plays the role of Greg Brady, America will be the
stern but understanding Mike and Carol. And after this phoney play
plays out, after everyone has fulfilled their roles, Phelps will go
back to doing what he does best, with America cheering him on.

We don't know about you, but we liked it better when we saw it on The
Brady Bunch.