HAPPY 2009! IT'S POSITIVELY DECRIMINALIZED

With 2008 behind us and the traumatic memories of the ice storm of
'08 and the presidential election (Kucinich who?), we look forward to
2009 and all the hope, possibilities and decriminalized marijuana it
will bring.

Can you believe this state finally got real about marijua -- uh -
marij -- hey, you know?

Did they legalize it? I can't remember. I just know that
decriminalization of marijuana is high up on my list of priorities,
along with worrying about whether I should have a bigger HD
television than my neighbors, being thought of as a loser because I
have never played "Guitar Hero," and worrying about what team Manny
Ramirez will play for next year.

Marijuana? Isn't that something you did as a kid to be bad? I find it
hard to believe any adults care enough about marijuana that they
would cast a ballot to decriminalize it. I liked the criminalized
version of marijuana.

I think anything that makes you stupid should be criminalized. I
would criminalize sugar, the Internet and Harry Potter books, as
well. I would even vote to criminalize decaffeinated coffee if I could.

But if you are going to decriminalize it, why not just make it legal?
The idea for decriminalizing marijuana had to come from a marijuana
smoker. The discussion probably went something like this: "We'll
like, you know, tell people, hey, if you're voting for this, you're
not like really making it legal. You're just saying it's not bad, but
its still illegal, man, don't worry. But you should vote for it, man,
because, you know, like we can smoke it if we don't get caught. It'll be cool."

Still, what is even crazier than voters deciding to decriminalize
marijuana or even caring whether it is decriminalized is that some
people are so worried about the destructive effect of almost
legalizing the herb that they are trying to find loopholes that will
help them deal with the anticipated threat of -- what, soccer moms
and dads wandering around town high on decriminalized marijuana? The
homeland has to be protected.

The state Department of Public Safety is recommending that cities and
towns create ordinances or bylaws banning the public use of
marijuana. Think about it. Massachusetts is a state with liquor
stores on every street corner, cigarettes sold over the counter along
with penny candy, and each week the Massachusetts State Lottery sucks
away 90 percent of people's grocery money on 9 million-to-1 long
shots. It makes sense to me that the Department of Public Safety is
worried that local police will not have enough tools in their tool
kit to keep the reefer dam from bursting.

But what do I know? I'll be 55 this year -- old enough that people in
the American Association of Retired Persons no longer want to recruit
me because I would just slow them down. I've lived in six decades
and, although my marijuana smoking days are many years in my past, I
still regret that I never inhaled. If I had, maybe I would be able to
make sense of creating ordinances to regulate something that was
decriminalized.

Instead, at 55, about the only thing I can look forward to is
becoming a cranky old man sitting on my porch occasionally yelling,
"Quiet down you bunch of punk dopers or I'll call the cops on you!"

I'm old enough that I was born in the Atomic Age, attended school in
the Age of Aquarius, went into hiding during the Disco Era, was too
young for Vietnam and too old for Generation X, shut my brain down
during the Reagan Era, found myself repeating over and over, "He did
what?" during the Clinton administration but found myself posing nude
for a (tastefully done) calendar during the trying Times of Bush. Now
I go into 2009 with renewed hope for change as President Obama takes office.

Of course if he doesn't fix the economy by my 55th birthday in March,
that's it. He's all done. We should impeach him.

On this second day of a new year, I am wondering what is next, but
also thinking how much could be different by the time we flip the
calendar to 2010. Global warming is heating up the planet. The
economy is turning the clocks back to 1929, rather than 2009.
Battlestar Galactica and Stargate Atlantis are going off the air. And
the-end.com is predicting the United States will collapse in six
months. It could be chaos.

I'm personally predicting: there will be more rioting by people
looking to buy generators; Asian longhorned beetles, made homeless
when their trees are cut down, will begin occupying abandoned
apartment buildings in Worcester; Gov. Deval L. Patrick will announce
in June that the state hopes to build a wind-powered casino in
Douglas; as President Bush leaves office, a heavily armed Dick Cheney
will hole up in his secret bunker in Virginia but will be
disappointed when no one goes looking for him; and the price of gas
will go back up to $4 per gallon, then drop to $1.50 per gallon, then
rise again to $4 per gallon, then drop to $1.50 per gallon. Oil
company executives will complain to newspapers that they resent the
suggestion someone is manipulating the petroleum market.

And, as usual, there will be floods, storms, fires, plagues of locust
and numerous sightings of religious deities in poorly washed windows.

I can't wait. It should be a fun year.