KICK THE BUREAUCRATS

If you are a junkie, then you know the biggest problem with your pesky
little habit is the rising quandary of overdosing. With heroin-related
deaths having doubled since 1997, overdoses in Massachusetts are
reaching epidemic proportions, due mainly to a few factors.

The drug's purity and cheap price have made it as dangerous and as
easy to get as a bottle of Mad Dog 20-20, with a less of a stigma
attached to it as say a wino "getting on the dog."

So what are you going to do, go clean, quit, head to rehab
again?

Relax. Don't get you tourniquet bunched up in a knot. John Auerbach,
the commissioner of the Massachusetts Department of Public Health, has
announced a new program involving the drug Narcan. Narcan is designed
to reverse the debilitating effects of an opiate overdose, and it's
now available free at many of the department's Boston area offices.

The state recognizes that some of you junkies are either cooking a
little bit more then you should in an effort to reach that chemical
Nirvana or you are getting some pretty good ... er, stuff... which
shuts off that all-important central nervous system controlling the
breathing and other faculties you're going to need when stealing that
21-inch color TV while jonesing for your next high. The DPH realizes
that most of you are not ready for treatment, so instead of making you
twitch, vomit and kick through boring testimonials from former
junkies, it is going to give you the Massachusetts overdose kit.

This life-saving packet contains not only a dose of Narcan that will
be administered by being sprayed into your nose, you'll also get a
Junkie Land's do's and don'ts magnetic checklist that can be stuck on
that stolen college refrigerator you are trying to heist.

You'll get simple reminders, like not hitting the spike alone. Mainly
because your going to need what they call an "H buddy" to spray the
Narcan up your lifeless snout while you are zoned out colder then a
mackerel with the sounds of Santana doing "Black Magic Woman" in your
ears.

Like most experimental government programs, this one is flawed, so the
state is asking for patience from all concerned. For example, in an
effort to keep the initial costs at a minimum, the program will be
open only to the first 450 junkies from the North Shore, Connecticut
River Valley, Cape Cod and Southeast regions of the state, which means
Berkshire County smackheads are bumming big time.

By doing this, the state estimates the program will cost only $50,000.
But more importantly, no state employee will have to drive the
Turnpike for 2 1/2 hours to Berkshire County to train junkies to
administer the Narcan first before rifling though the victim's pockets
looking for the remaining amounts of dope or any money that could be
used to score more smack.

Also complicating life like an arm full of needle marks and a closet
full of short-sleeve shirts is the fact that other victims of
addiction are seeking additional funding to support their client list.
Crack addicts want the state to restore their pride. Alcohol groups
are seeking free adult diapers to be handed out to drunks refusing
treatment, and potheads just want people to stop following them around.

I know you're thinking that if you start saving junkies, won't that
enable them not to stop and possibly lead to the creation of a
superhuman -- a never-dying beast like Courtney Love, Edgar Winters or
Keith Richards?

Relax. Your thoughts are starting to fly inside around your head like
someone who just shot up a baking soda on an old episode of "Dragnet."
The old junkie is admittedly a rare sight, but he or she does not
possess any super strength and is only a threat to small electronic
devices like TV's, DVD players and what once was called the boom box.

Will this junkie-saving initiative work? A report from Maryland, which
has had the same plan in effect for a few years now, states that 194
OD's were reversed in its first year in Baltimore alone, while the
heroin-related death rate fell by one third.

"Far out," said Kurt Barry, head of the Heroin Chic Coalition for the
Emaciated. Barry told the editor of the Burnt Spoon Times that, "I
knew it would work! It was just a matter of getting people to stay
awake long enough to administer the nose spray to save the person they
shouldn't have been sharing needles with in the first place. These are
heady days in Junkie Land."

In theory, this program Mr. Auerbach has initiated, along with his
staff at the DPH, can work as long as they have the support of us, Mr.
and Mrs. America -- those everyday people who realize we can't save
the world, but we can save a little corner of that drug-infested
neighborhood we've been refusing to drive through for years now.

Johnnie Carrier is a freelance writer who in his wildest imagination
could never have dreamed of a day when the world would make him look
sane.