PROTECT AND SERVE

A 19-year-old Coloradan faces drug possession charges after a patron
reported a group of teenagers smoking pot in the back of an Aspen
movie theater. The police arrived promptly and pulled the teenagers
out of the new Kevin Smith comedy, Zack and Miri Make a Porno, to
interrogate them. The accused stoner confessed to possessing less than
an ounce of marijuana and was subsequently arrested. One more example
of the police using our hard-earned taxpayer money to keep our movie
theaters safe from giggly youngsters.

Of course, the staff at Boulder Weekly is opposed to this kind of
miscreant behavior. We would never, ever smoke weed in a movie
theater. We might take a toke during a Steve Miller concert, or before
a baseball game, or while watching TV, or after washing dishes, or in
the middle of a family reunion, or just prior to going on a really
long bus ride, or before going to the zoo, or to celebrate Leap Year.
But never in a movie theater. That's just wrong.

In an effort to keep these dastardly criminals off the street, we
offer the good citizens of Aspen these clues on how to spot a pothead
in a movie theater:

If they purchase popcorn with extra butter and M&Ms and Whoppers and
potato chips and nachos and a Snickers. And then they mix them all
together.

If they use the word "dude" as a noun, a verb, an adjective and an
adverb all in one sentence.

If they say incriminating things, such as, "Dude, this sure is good
pot," or, "My hands are so cool, look at my hands, wow, these are
great hands," or, "I'm like so high. On pot. Which is a common name
for marijuana. Which is a drug that's illegal in this country but not
in other countries that aren't as anal as this one."

If they're watching any Kevin Smith movie ever made.