DOGGED DETERMINATION

Using Drug-Sniffing Canines At Home Barking Up Wrong
Tree

You've got to admire America for its uncanny stick-to-itiveness. With
its finances ravaged, its debt skyrocketing, wars on two fronts and an
historic election in the offing, one would think the country has so
much on its plate that it risks forgetting some of its old troubles.

Not, though, when it comes to America's most cherished vigil: the
never-ending War on Drugs. There's apparently still plenty of energy
to fight that battle, not to mention Orwellian ingenuity.

Last week we read about a new company called Sniff Dogs out of New
Jersey with what is sure to be a welcome new wrinkle in the ongoing
crusade. For a mere $200 an hour, they'll rent you a drug-sniffing dog
and a handler so that you too can pretend that your teenager's bedroom
is a cell in Attica.

In just seconds, one of the company's five dogs -- all retired from
police duty -- can root out any marijuana, ecstasy, cocaine or heroin
that Junior thought was effectively stashed, from as far away as five
metres.

What a godsend. You know how tiring it can be to root through Josh's
stuff every time he goes off to school. And it was so hit-and-miss
finding drugs and paraphernalia the old-fashioned way, by emptying the
kid's pockets in the laundry room.

Apparently the company's co-founder, Debra Holmes, was spurred to
action when her own son was convicted of driving under the influence
of cannabis. She reported being surprised, nay, shocked, that such a
thing could happen, though Holmes is now quite fond of whipping up
paranoia among prospective clients by telling them that half of all
U.S. schoolchildren have tried the stuff.

Another one of her selling points is the fact that the technique
avoids the "confrontation" implicit in asking your teen to pee in a
cup.

I guess that in the spirit of non-confrontation a parent could simply
find and confiscate the drugs, and not even bring up the messy
business at all. You could just regularly hire Sniff Dogs the way you
would Molly Maid, and the kid would eventually come to believe that he
lives in an enchanted bedroom that makes drugs disappear. He will thus
lose interest in them entirely.

As for Ms. Holmes, does she have any worries that, as hippie-dippie
critics have said, this practice is invasive and will shatter the
trust between parents and children?

Absolutely not.

"Parents think it's about cops busting into the house, as on TV," she
says, "but it's not much different to a termite inspection."

Hey, great idea. Teach the dogs to smell for termites too, then ask
for $300 an hour.

By the way, I don't see anyone complaining about how this affects the
animals themselves. Ex-cops are famous for picking up freelance
security jobs, but at least that is usually of their own free will.
How do we know those mutts weren't looking forward to a retirement
where they could finally get a chance to just smoke a joint and chill
out?

Still, the advent of Sniff Dogs reminds us that there's plenty of
untapped opportunity out there for clever entrepreneurs.

Imagine all the lies that teenagers are currently getting away with.
For the price of a thousand-dollar conversion kit, you could turn an
ordinary bathtub into a home waterboarding facility.

And surely some talented jewelry designer could come up with an
electric tracking collar that would look good with a hoodie.

Forget about contributing to scholarship funds. How about starting an
annuity that will yield enough to pay kids for ratting out their
druggie siblings. You can't run a prison without stool pigeons.

Meanwhile, we need to keep an eye on Sniff Dogs. Jersey mobsters might
want to buy the business as a front when they realize what an
excellent tool those dogs would be in finding drugs hidden by rivals.

You know what they say. When drug-sniffing dogs are outlawed, only
outlaws will have drug-sniffing dogs.

Kevin Brooker is a Calgary writer. His column appears every Monday.