POT SHOTS AND NUKED BANANAS

There were three things to remember for the dozen Wellington Central
hopefuls at the three-yearly Aro Valley meet-the-candidates evening.

When the two-minute deadline for speeches loomed, the timekeeper would
bang a wooden spoon on a metal teapot; when time was up, someone would
plunge an arm on the piano; and, if they kept talking, they would get
squirted with a water pistol.

Such is the gravity with which they take their politics in the valley,
where the candidates' meeting has become a drawcard mix of comedy and
serious debate.

ACT candidate Heather Roy was first to forget the rules, failing to
wind up her opening remarks when the teapot clanged.

"Dwung, dwung, dwung" went the piano, before she was ruthlessly shot
in the back.

Stephen Franks (National), Sue Kedgley (the Greens), Michael Appleby
(Aotearoa Legalise Cannabis) and others also got the treatment.

In a meeting meant to entertain as much as anything else, Mr Appleby
was a crowd-pleaser, noting Prime Minister Helen Clark's emphasis on
trust.

"You can't even trust her photograph. I don't want a 19-year-old
running this country," he said, referring to her airbrushed billboard
image.

He had one answer for every issue from tax to law and order, student
fees and health. "If we legalised cannabis . . ." he repeatedly
shouted through a window to the crowd outside, who could not make it
into the packed community hall and had complained that they could not
hear.

Don Franks, a Rongotai factory hand standing for the Workers' Party,
filled out his opening address with a socialist song.

UnitedFuture's Vaughan Smith took inspiration - setting his closing
address to a rap accompanied by foot-stomping and finger-clicking from
the audience.

Sadly, he fluffed his lines, though not as badly as
earlier.

"If . . . the accident is not caused by an accident, it won't be an
accident." And thus not covered by ACC, he sagely observed.

Mrs Roy had trouble getting her views on nuclear-powered freighters
across, saying they were needed to get bananas to New Zealand.

"I don't want any bananas," someone yelled. "The people behind you
do," Mrs Roy replied, though the hissing suggested they did not want
their bananas brought here on nuclear ships.

Mr Appleby claimed legalising cannabis would give smokers $40 extra a
week for groceries, but missed a trick by not spelling out how many
nuclear-free bananas that would buy.