ALLOW ME TO EXERCISE MY RIGHT TO WILDLY SPIN THE TRUTH

That Marijuana Cigarette I Smoked? Purely Research, I Assure You

"The peccadillos, questionable antics or wacky opinions of federal
election candidates being exposed on the Internet has led to some [of
them] quitting the race before it has really begun."

Vancouver Sun story with headline 'Nude Democrat' latest casualty,
page A5, Sept. 24.

Dear Voters: Friends! It is my great pleasure to announce to you
today my candidacy for our party in this coming federal election. I
cannot think of a greater privilege than to represent you and the
great constituency of West Vancouver-Hot Tub in Ottawa for the next
four years. (Or months, if the jackasses in Ontario and Quebec insist
on returning another minority government. Hah hah! But you didn't
hear that from me.)

First, though, I would like to allay any fears you might have about
recent news reports about certain "incidents" in my past that you may
have seen on television or read in newspapers or police blotters. Let
me assure you that these "incidents" are not as they seem, and have
been taken completely out of context by the media, and the arresting officers.

The most scurrilously reported of these "incidents," which I am sure
you know of by now, took place long ago in my past, when I was but a
youth of 47, and which The Sun, in a cruel attempt to defame and
embarrass me, ran as a front-page story with the headline Skinny
Dipper Comes Up Short.

First of all, I want to assure you I had no idea that the young
"lady" (and I use the term loosely) was 15 at the time.

She certainly did not look 15 when I picked her up hitchhiking on
that hot July day, standing there on the side of the road in a pair
of jeans that looked as if they had been painted on.

As for her other attributes, it is my theory that the preponderance
of artificially-introduced hormones in our foodstuffs by
multinational agribusinesses -- a practice I promise to investigate
if elected and sent to Ottawa! -- has contributed to the alarming
acceleration of physical maturation among adolescent females.

Thus, at the time, I guessed her to be, at the very least, 17.

As for the "skinny-dipping" incident itself:

It was a hot day. After having drunk three beers while driving, it
was only responsible of me to suggest we stop and go for a swim so
that I might clear my head. There was nothing sexual in nature about
it, unless, of course, you happen to be one of those narrow-minded
puritans who believes that a man and, admittedly, a much younger
woman frolicking in the water with nothing on but the gloriously
nubile body that God gave her is "sexual." Unfortunately, the young
lady's parents were, in fact, Puritans. As for the comments of the
young lady that were subsequently quoted in The Sun story about that
day -- comments which wounded me deeply -- I feel compelled to clear
the record. My "shortcomings" she referred to were nothing of the
sort, let me assure you. The water was just exceedingly cold. I can't
stress this enough.

As for the other "incident" currently being reported in the media,
and seen in the "Most Viewed" category on YouTube:

The video of me smoking a marijuana cigarette the size of a parsnip
could be seen, I realize, as a tacit endorsement for the legalization
of marijuana.

Nothing could be further from the truth. I do not endorse the
legalization of marijuana. Nor do I not not endorse the legalization
of marijuana. To be more precise, I am undecided on the issue. But I
do want to know more about it before I decide. Thus, just as we had a
mayor who gave money to a crack addict so that, in the interests of
research, he might see how crack addicts buy crack, I smoked a
marijuana cigarette the size of a parsnip so that I, in the interest
of research, might see how it feels to be, as the marijuana addicts
like to say, "totally blissed." If it is any comfort to my
detractors, I have to say it was not nearly as much fun as my
research in cocaine or ecstasy was.

So, there you have it. What was, in reality, a fact-finding mission
on an important issue facing the Canadian electorate, my enemies and
political opponents have chosen to purposefully misinterpret as
illegal drug use.

To which I say: Shame! And just as shameful are their calls for me to
step down and withdraw my candidacy to represent this wonderful
riding of West Vancouver-Hot Tub.

This, I refuse to do. My sense of public duty forbids it.

So, look for me in the coming weeks out on the campaign trail,
working hard for your support, knocking on your doors, talking with
you about the issues that really matter to you, as soon as I raise bail.