PEYOTE THREATENS CONSERVATIVE VALUES

When the United States military decides to legalize the
use of hallucinogenic drugs by its soldiers, I think it's
safe for all good conservatives to agree that the end is
near. Pack those suitcases and look to the sky, folks,
'cause that chariot is about to swing low any minute.

As a recent convert to hardcore conservatism, I
have concluded after hours of introspective dialog
with myself that I have an additional obligation to
become a hardcore supporter of the Christian right.

No halfstepping allowed for the right wing storm
troopers; just dive right on into that boiling water and
start stroking. Feel the righteousness at work as the
meat slides right off the bone. Feel the lightening load
of earthly worries, enabling better concentration on the
more pressing matters that threaten us all, amen.

Pressing matters like legalized drug use in the
military. In case you hadn't heard, the Pentagon, which
I understand to be a taxpayerfunded institution, is
busy at work even now drawing up rules that will allow
American Indian soldiers to legally consume peyote as
part of their religious practices in the Native American
Church. Peyote contains mescaline, which is a
powerful psychedelic drug. Just ask anyone who wore
long hair during the '60s, and they can tell you in detail
how much fun the stuff ...

Nevermind.

According to The New York Times, the church
estimates its membership to be 250,000 people in 50
tribes. Churchgoers supposedly consider the use of
peyote to be somewhat similar to the use of wine
during communion in the Christian religion. Called "the
sacrament," the ceremonies, which date back at least
10,000 years, occur in teepees where a fire burns
continuously as drumming and chanting persist
throughout the night. With all those drugs around,
there's probably quite a few other things that persist
throughout the night as well, but far be it from me to
ignore the dagger of political correctness.

Anyway, as the Times story relates, "As the Road
Man, or leader, takes followers down the Peyote Road,
the cactus buttons are sliced into pieces and eaten, or
ingested as a tea. Though large amounts can induce
visions or hallucinations, participants say the amounts
taken are so small that the peyote only brings on a
spiritual, introspective mood that puts them closer to
God."

Now see, here's where I start to have a problem
with diversity and multiculturalism. It's bad enough
having to battle my own government to keep Christian
prayer in schools and properly ignore the religious
leanings of others, but when I'm asked to sanction drug
abuse among a select group of our fighting men and
women so that they can find God? This is an outrage.

An outrage, I tell you. Why, most anyone who's paying attention can
plainly see that the only true way to
salvation is through membership in the Moral Majority.
Who needs drugs to find God when religious
intolerance and indoctrination are so close at hand?

As for the supposedly small amounts of peyote
used during these ceremonies (as compared to what?
truckloads?), it may be true that a similarly small
amount of wine is used during communion, but wine is
not the same as peyote and everyone knows it. In what
aisle is peyote found in your local grocery store, huh?

How many corner peyote shops are there in your
community? Case closed.

Peyote is bad, liquor is good. Simple as that. OK,
maybe liquor was bad during Prohibition, but that's all
over now. Now it's OK to get lit up like a Christmas
tree on Jack Daniels every day of the week if you
want, just so long as you are a mature adult and know
how to handle such litup activities responsibly and in
good taste. And on Sunday, it's even OK to have a
little nip of red wine during Communion.

This is all acceptable and good.

But peyote? For Indians? In the military? Buddy,
that's going just a little too far.