IT'S A TOUGH JOB

But Somebody's Gotta Do It. Celebs Choose Their
Weapon In The War On Drugs ... Booze

As she received word this week that her son Shia had been arrested for
drunkenness and for refusing to leave a Walgreen's (has there ever
been a lamer celebrity scandal?), Mrs. LaBoeuf probably said the same
thing millions of relieved parents have said in similar
circumstances.

"Thank God it wasn't drugs!"

In fact, I'm going to go out on a limb here and slap a "Mission
Accomplished" sticker on the War On Drugs, a la Dubya on the aircraft
carrier USS Lincoln.

Have you noticed that nearly all the celebrity meltdowns lately have
involved good ol' alcohol? Hooch, booze, cold frosties, highballs,
amber nectar, the stuff that keeps our economy afloat in the form of
advertising and extra staffing at the LCBOs, Brewer's Retails and
brewpubs. We're talking the legal stuff, not that weird lettuce all
the Boomer politicians now deny ever smoking or inhaling. It warms the
cockles of your heart like a slug of malt liquor.

No, DUI isn't just a birth control device for dyslexics anymore.
Hometown boy Kiefer Sutherland is looking at some serious time for
driving under the influence again, but at least he isn't into the powder.

And TV's Lost is practically a permanent kegger, what with Daniel Dae
Kim getting popped for DUI last week, joining ex cast-members Michelle
Rodriguez and Cynthia Watros, both of whom got written out of the
series after blowing over.

I mean, they're stuck in Hawaii. If it's anything like growing up in
Northern Ontario, there may be nothing to do there BUT drink. Anyway,
congrats for just saying "no" to the Maui Wowie, folks.

Tracy Morgan (Saturday Night Live, 30 Rock) recently had to wear an
alcohol-monitoring ankle bracelet -- way to take one for the team,
Tracy! You too, Mel Gibson, Gary Collins, David Hasselhoff, Ben
Affleck, Paris Hilton, Avril Lavigne, Britney Spears and Nicole
Richie. Keep fighting that war against illegal drugs!

Yeah, I know, Lindsay Lohan was caught carrying a small amount of
cocaine on her last DUI. Call it the exception that proves the
victory. In the words of Donald Rumsfeld "the insurgency is on its
last legs."

In fact, I always had faith in our youth. Every decade or so, the
media blows some new looming illegal drug threat out of proportion
with a promise that teens would soon be dropping like flies from (a)
acid, (b) crack, (c) Ecstasy or (d) crystal meth. But those of us with
our fingers on the pulse of the nation knew that, for the most part,
our kids were getting bombed and reckless legally, just like their
parents and their parents' parents.

In the '80s, this paper declared its own war on drugs in the wake of
the tragic death of a teen who drowned in Lake Ontario after taking
acid and drinking at a rock concert. One of the in-house ads we ran
showed a picture of a long-haired stoner with the caption "He has his
mother's eyes, and his father's marijuana." And it ran opposite a big
Molson's ad, which proves that our ad department at least knew what
the real score was.

But even now, there are fifth columnists trying to rob us of victory.
Like the United Nations Office on Drugs and Crime which released a
report a few months ago saying Canada leads the industrialized world
in per capita marijuana use (behind only Papua New Guinea/Micronesia,
Ghana and Zambia worldwide). I question their methodology and motives
(c'mon, it's the UN! Now that our federal government is onside with
the U.S., everything that comes out of the UN is officially suspect).

Anyway, tell it to Kiefer and Avril.

The fact is, it's natural for humans to want to experience artificial
joy. Birds do it, bees do it (in fact some anthropologists think
humans figured out alcohol by watching birds and other animals seek
out fermented fruit).

The question is, when you feel the urge to take a vacation from
yourself, will you do it with some illegal substance, or with a
societally-approved powerful social lubricant that provides crucial
financial support for the National Football League, the NHL and the
municipality of Kitchener-Waterloo?