Living with an alcoholic in the family

Someone you love is addicted to alcohol. How can you help? Or even cope
with the daytoday reality? Kim Bielenberg reports ALCOHOLISM is not a
spectator sport. As one observer shrewdly remarked, eventually it becomes a
game where the whole family gets to play.

When Paul McGrath came on the Late Late Show recently and talked candidly
about his drink problem and how his wife helped him to get over it he
touched a chord not only with alcoholics but with the family members who
have to cope with them.

Few families escape without at least one person who cannot handle drink. In
all too many cases it is a problem that is left to gnaw away until a
twisted and damaged personality becomes ugly and unmanageable.

The spouses, the parents or the children are often the victims as much as
much as the alcoholics themselves. Drink becomes an obsession for all
involved, and they find it difficult to focus on reality.

It was sad and moving moment; Paul McGrath, the ultimate macho superhero,
told how he drank out of loneliness and shyness, just like many other
emigrants away from home. His wife, Caroline, helped one of our
greatestever sportsmen to understand that he did not have to drink to be
able to talk to people.

Alcoholics may try to paint a different picture and shift blame onto others
their parents, their lovers, their work or demons from their past. But,
ultimately, the addiction is their own responsibility. Through careful
planning, however, family members can use certain strategies to encourage
them to go for treatment.

THERE is a variety of support services for husbands, wives and families who
can see those close to them ruining their lives with drink. Most of the
major alcohol treatment centres give advice to families and there is also a
special organisation for those affected by people with drink problems, Al
Anon. The Rutland Centre in Dublin has a family mobilisation programme.

One of the worst courses of action for a person who is close to an
alcoholic is to try to cover it up, according to Mary, a member of Al Anon
(members of the group do not use their surnames to preserve anonymity).

"It is our natural instinct to cover it up and try to make it comfortable
for the drinker, but that only enables them to continue drinking," says
Mary. "You think that by protecting them you will rescue them, but often
they will only seek help by facing the consequences of their own actions."

Most counsellors agree that it is much better for concerned family members
to talk openly about an alcoholic problem rather than keeping it hidden and
trying to cover up the cracks.

"Alcoholism thrives on secrecy and if it is not talked about it just gets
worse," says Noel Marley, senior addiction counsellor at St John of God's
Hospital. "I would advise families to start talking about it. Don't assume
that a teenage child does not know about it, because they almost always do
know. You have to break through the selfdeception."

Once family members have agreed and admitted to themselves that drink is
wreaking havoc, they have to study the options for treatment and work out a
way of confronting the alcoholic. The day of confrontation is DDay.

One of the hardest obstacles to overcome is getting the alcoholic to admit
that they have a drink problem and motivating them to get treatment. Before
a confrontation, family members are advised to talk to Al Anon or one of
the alcohol treatment centres.

Counsellors advise that it is best to confront an alcoholic as a group
rather than alone, and prepare thoroughly.

"It is much more difficult to confront someone alone because they can use
all sorts of defence mechanisms," says Maura Russell, director of Dublin
Rutland Centre. "They will try to rationalise it and blame someone else.
Alcoholics are masters in the art of rationalisation and blame."

It is also important to pick a suitable time. Although it is tempting to
confront the drinker when he is out of control or when he has a hangover,
the best time to make an effective intervention is when the alcoholic is
sober. The group should not make a string of angry accusations, but outline
the emotional effects of the drinking on each member of the family.

"Do not just tell the alcoholic the harm that he is doing to himself,
because he might say he can handle it," says Noel Marley. "He should know
the effects that he is having on other people."

It is vital not to make idle threats. Ultimately, a wife or husband may
have to be prepared to leave their drinking partner to save their own life
from disaster, but they should not say this unless they are prepared to
carry it through.

Many partners of heavy drinkers leave them in desperation in the hope that
they will go for treatment. When the alcoholic finally goes for treatment,
they return.

As well as confronting the alcoholic with the truth about him or herself,
the family should offer practical options for recovery: this might involve
having an assessment at a treatment centre, going for outpatient treatment
or going into a clinic for a month.

"It is usually best if the motivation comes from the person himself," says
addiction counsellor Noel Marley. "It is ironic that most people arrive for
treatment under some kind of threat. Unless they are really motivated
themselves, the treatment will not succeed."

"It is worth bearing in mind that alcoholism is a relapseable condition and
many people crack. So be prepared for that."

Also be wary of the drinker who promises to give up without treatment.
People often stop drinking in response to a crisis and after weeks or
months of abstinence resume their consumption in a controlled or limited
manner. But once the drinking begins again it gradually escalates and the
dependency is reestablished.

It has often been stated that an alcoholic must be allowed to reach rock
bottom before anything can be done, but many addiction counsellors now
dispute this. If you let alcoholism takes its natural course, it may end in
premature death or irreversible brain damage. The alcoholic may only reach
the bottom after he or she has lost job, home, family and everything in
life that is important.

ONCE the alcoholic has agreed to have treatment, the family still has an
important role to play. If the drinker goes into a clinic for a month, the
family usually has to attend on certain days. It is often difficult for
clinics to convince family members to attend, but it is an important part
of treatment.

Increasing numbers of celebrities who have kicked their drink habit are
coming forward to talk about it. It has almost has almost become a ritual
in public life: Christy Moore, who once admitted that he found it difficult
to go on stage without a drink, is now an abstainer and joined McGrath on
The Late Late Show to talk how the pair had become friends and gave each
other mutual support. Frances Black, another recovered alcoholic, was also
there.

Maura Russell of the Rutland Centre says the willingness of celebrities who
have had drink problems to speak out publicly has had a positive effect:
"It is giving encouragement to people and making people recognise that
alcoholism is an illness that can be treated."

Al Anon, 8732699; The Rutland Centre's Family Mobilisation programme,
4966358; St John of God's Alcohol Treatment Centre, 2881781 (all Dublin)