Where are these overly strict parents who intimidate their children? The
parents that Robert DuPont sees are wimps.

In his psychiatric practice and as clinical professor of psychiatry at
Georgetown University School of Medicine, DuPont specializes in the
prevention and treatment of addiction to alcohol and other drugs. When
children, especially ones at high risk of addiction, come in with their
parents, he often has to convince the adults of their rights and
responsibilities to become involved in their offspring's lives.

It's a tough sell, he says, because many parents seem passive about their
children's lives. When two parents feud with each other about how to deal
with a difficult child, DuPont usually recommends the plan of the more
passive parent.

When, as DuPont expects, that doesn't work, meaning the child's behavior
fails to change, it often stiffens the parents' spines. Then they're
emboldened to act parental parenting classes also can produce that
desirable attitude instead of making the cowardly error of getting out
of the way so the child can ``find himself.''

Many modern parents obviously require clear, unequivocal instructions on
how to carry out their most important job, rearing their children toward
productive, happy lives not toward the horror of drug abuse. The parents
either have forgotten how to be parental, or they never knew.

In his book, The Selfish Brain: Learning from Addiction, DuPont offers 10
ways to drugproof your children, saying they should be put into effect
early in children's lives so they understand the healthy, realistic roles
of parents and children in ``the family team.''

1. Set a family standard on drug and alcohol use. Let the children know, in
grade school or earlier, the family rules and your expectations of their
behavior. Among other points, make clear that it's illegal for teenagers
to use alcohol and cigarettes, and illegal for everyone to use marijuana,
cocaine, heroin and other drugs.

2. Establish reasonable consequences for violating family rules. Impose the
penalties every time, without exception, and make sure the punishments are
swift, painful but fairly brief. It's more effective to bar a child from
seeing her friends for two weeks, than for six months.

3. Set aside a time every day to talk with your kids about what's happening
in their lives, how they feel and what they think. Respect your children's
feelings and experiences, and don't give them windy lectures on what they
should do or feel.

4. Help your children establish personal goals. Agree on small goals that
are relatively easy to reach, both for the next day or two, and the next
month or two. Help your children accept and learn from their inevitable
failures.

5. Know your children's friends and spend time with them. And the parents
of your children's friends. Share experiences and relationships with your
children. When common emotional ground of the family is lost, children are
more likely to start drug and alcohol use.

6. Help your children feel good about themselves and their achievements,
large and small. Know what mountains your children are climbing, and share
the tough journey.

7. Have a system for conflict resolution. Parents carry their authority
best when they're open to appeals from their children.

8. Talk about your children's futures early and often.

9. Enjoy your kids. Accept and appreciate that each child is a unique human
being with interests, abilities and goals different from you and everyone
else.

10. Be a nosy parent. Let your children know you are being nosy because
it's your job and because you love them.

[SIDEBAR:]

Babyboomers: Discussing your drug use with your children

For parents who are baby boomers, the dreaded question comes eventually:

Did you do drugs when you were younger?

How should you answer this direct question from your child? Alan I.
Leshner, director of the National Institute of Drug Abuse, offers these
suggestions:

Never lie to your children.

They'll find out.

Don't give a oneword answer. A parent can say this, for example: ``Yes, I
did drugs, but it was never a large part of my life. If I knew then what I
know now, I never would have used drugs.

``I know people who were harmed by drugs, and I don't want you to be like
them.'' And, very clearly and without equivocation: ``I love you, and I
don't want you to do drugs.''

Also, don't exaggerate about narcotics. Stick to scientific information.

Copyright © 1997, SunSentinel Company and South Florida Interactive, Inc.