CITY GOES AFTER THE WRONG GANG

With all the crime in this town, the big issue our politicians take a
stand on is the Guardian Angels?

We whisk you now to a top-secret meeting being held in a secure
underground bunker at Toronto City Hall.

There, the best bureaucratic minds in the offices of Mayor David
Miller and Police Chief Bill Blair are developing a 632-point action
plan to protect Toronto streets from a deadly new menace. Let's listen
in, shall we?

"Good morning everyone and thanks for getting here on time. As you all
know, we're here to prevent our city being taken over by a terrifying
new street gang trying to establish itself in Toronto. Any questions
before we begin?"

"Yeah, boss, which gang are we talking about -- the Bloods, the Crips,
the Galloway Boys, the Malvern Crew?"

"Uh ... no. The Guardian Angels."

"The Guardian Angels? Boss, I don't think they're a street
gang."

"What do you mean they're not a street gang? They walk around on the
streets, right? In groups, like a gang, right? They target certain
neighbourhoods, right? They wear colours -- you know those funny
little red hats, right? They have chapters all over the U.S., right?
The mayor and the police chief don't want them here, right? I mean, if
that's not a street gang I don't know what is. C'mon, people work with
me here."

"Boss, I think you're a bit confused. The Guardian Angels say they
want to help fight the gangs by patrolling the streets and looking out
for their neighbours. I mean, maybe it won't do much good, but what's
the harm in letting them try? They just seem like ordinary people who
want to help. And what's the big deal about letting the police know if
they see something suspicious? Isn't that what we always tell people
to do anyway?"

"Good gawd, man, give your head a shake! We can't have ordinary people
walking around our streets being nice to their neighbours and
reporting anything suspicious to the police. Where would it end?
What's next, helping little old ladies cross the street? Asking
someone lying bleeding on the ground whether they need any help,
instead of doing the responsible thing and ignoring them? There'd be
chaos, man, chaos, the total collapse of the social order! Besides,
our bosses say the guy who started this thing -- this Curtis Sliwa
from New York -- is a big publicity hound."

"Boss, it's not a crime to be a publicity hound in Toronto. If it was,
David Miller would be under house arrest, Howard Moscoe would be in
Kingston Pen and Mel Lastman would have been declared a dangerous
offender years ago."

"Okay, fair point. My bad. But c'mon, folks, we have a job to do here
so let's do it. Any ideas for how we can fight these Guardian Angels?"

Helping seniors?

"Hey, I've got one. Apparently the Angels have been invited by the
residents of a senior citizens' home owned by the city to come and
talk to them because they're worried about all the crime in their
neighbourhood. What if somebody met them at the door and refused to
let them in?"

"Good grief, man, we have to do better than that! That would look
petty and stupid. Like, here we are in the middle of another summer
where criminals are using our streets for target practice -- when they
aren't stabbing people -- and all we care about is hassling the
Guardian Angels about visiting a seniors' home? People would say 'with
all the crime in this town, that's the big issue City Hall finally
takes a stand on, getting rid of the Guardian Angels? What kind of
idiots are running this place?'"

"Can't argue with that, boss."

"Okay, look, maybe I haven't explained the concept of what we're
trying to accomplish here very well. So before we proceed, do you have
any more questions?"

"Yeah, boss, how come we're so determined to keep the Guardian Angels
off the streets? I mean, we never do anything about the squeegee kids
and the panhandlers."

"Next question."