HOLD ON, HERE COME THE SMOKING POLICE!

Up to now I had assumed that the Health Police were determined to prevent
smokers from smoking anywhere except in their own residences or in God's
great outdoors. Now, I realize that I had seriously underestimated them.

There comes to hand a communication from Brooks Alexander of Berkeley,
Calif., who lives in an apartment. Last fall, he received a letter from Ms.
Marcia Brown-Machen, program director of the Tobacco Prevention and Control
Program of the Health Promotion Division of the Health and Human Services
Department of the city of Berkeley. It deserves to be quoted in full:

"This letter is in response to a complaint we have received about
secondhand smoke in your apartment complex. According to the complainant,
the smoke is originating from your apartment. While you are probably aware
of the health risks from smoking, you may not know that the Environmental
Protection Agency estimates secondhand smoke to be 50 times more dangerous
than all the other regulated carcinogens. In addition, secondhand smoke
kills 53,000 nonsmokers each year. Additionally, many people are allergic
to smoke and suffer irritating to severe repercussions.

"As the program director for the Tobacco Prevention and Control Program, I
would like to encourage you to prevent your neighbors from being exposed to
secondhand smoke that may be coming from your apartment. You may consider
buying a HEPS air filter for your apartment. Price Costco in Richmond is
selling a mid-size filter for $99. Additionally, you may be able to
determine the route that your smoke follows into the other apartments and
take measures to block this route. If the ventilation system is connected
to the other apartments, perhaps you could block your vent while smoking.
Perhaps you would consider smoking outdoors, away from other residences. I
trust that you will be able to create a workable solution to what could
become a serious health problem for your neighbors. Please call me if you
have any questions or would like to discuss this matter. I look forward to
speaking with you."

I doubt she is looking forward to it any more. Herewith are selected
excerpts from Alexander's reply:

"As someone who chooses to smoke, I recognize that others do not make that
choice, and I am more than willing to go out of my way to accommodate their
interests. As someone who believes very strongly in being a good neighbor,
I will do whatever I reasonably can to reduce my impact on those who live
around me. I thank you for your numerous helpful suggestions on how to
modify my behavior and alter my lifestyle, but I have already bought and
installed a ventilating unit that moves the air directly from my apartment
into the outdoor atmosphere.

"More importantly, the matter should not even have had a beginning as far
as your agency is concerned. 'Secondhand smoke' is plainly the trigger term
that is presumed to justify bureaucratic involvement in this situation. But
there is no secondhand smoke' issue here and to use the term is a
first-rate smoke screen. You must know (though the complainant probably
doesn't know) that the much-publicized studies on secondhand smoke concern
people who passively occupy an enclosed space with active smokers.
The
complainant is not being subjected to secondhand smoke in any medically
significant sense.
He may indeed regard the odor itself as offensive -
and I do not dismiss that sensitivity as unimportant.

"But I do dismiss the notion that it creates a health threat requiring the
attention of anyone other than the parties themselves.
It is not the
proper function of your office to micro-manage individual citizens as they
work out the frictions of their diverse lifestyles.

"Therefore I thank you in advance for your future inattention to this
matter and I look forward to hearing nothing further from you about it.

So far, Berkeley has obliged. But, as Alexander observed in his letter to
me, "At his point, my posture is still defensive - I've simply told them
where to get off. But if they don't get off, I'm ready to get aggressive
and haul their unconstitutional rear ends into court. Enough is enough."
Amen, brother!