RHODODENDRONS, CANNABIS HEDGES

Anti-drug zealots say the funniest things, but Frank E. Walker's story
about sprouted hempseed attracting fish to hook with "its narcotic
properties" gets the guffaw of the week.

If there's anything to this yarn at all, the fish might have been attracted
by the outstanding nutritive values hempseed offers humans. Unsprouted and
untreated hempseed contains Omega fatty acids, very high quality proteins,
but no narcotics. Ground into a "butter", it leaves the peanut equivalent
far behind. Hemp butter once kept Russian peasants healthy while the
nobles, who only ate dairy butter, because they wouldn't dream of eating
what peasants ate, got all the nuisance diseases. My pets and I are denied
proper hemp butter, because untreated seed is illegal.

Contrary to the wacky fantasies of people like Frank Walker, smoking (or
chewing on) hemp rope or a hemp shirt or even the dreaded hempseed, does
not produce a high. His 1963 "hemp" rope may have been sisal or Manila
hemp, not made from Cannabis fibre at all.

About this time last year, students who brought toasted hempseed to school
for lunch provoked calls to the police, and truly absurd statements from
the various authority figures who waltzed into the spotlight. Wasn't it
the head of the school board who seemed unable to determine whether toasted
hempseed was viable or not, and therefore declared a zero intelligence
policy on all hempseed? Does he plant baked potatoes and roasted beer nuts
in hope of a bumper crop in the fall? What are young people to do but grin
at such a circus?

Now that we have the legalization of hemp for industry and agriculture,
isn't it time we grew hedges of it around our gardens for privacy, shade
and nutrition? Supposing I, a crusty middleaged spinster, were to dare do
this. The first people to point out that deviants and delinquents might
smoke some of the "deadly" buds, the first people to dial 911 and blither
into their cellular phones, would very likely be growing far more potent
psychoactive substances in their own gardens.

The best example would be Rhododenron ponticum, wait, better still, Lady
Chamberlain hybrid. Many members of the heath family produce varying
quantities of the rhododendron drug: Grayanotoxin I. The written history
of rhododendron intoxication goes back 2500 years, and includes chemical
warfare, hallucinogenic honey for export, medicinal teas and smoking
mixtures, the story of a prominent horticulturalist who licked two drops of
Lady Chamberlain nectar from his fingers and imagined himself flying
through space, serious medical research into the potential of grayanotoxin
as a specialty anaesthetic (lab animals had their paws cut off while they
were otherwise conscious, showed no signs of pain), and provides, by
implication, an interesting theory as to where Christ went after the
crucifixion. While a small dose numbs the extremities and provides, in
some cases, a hallucinogenic experience, a larger does makes people appear
to be dead, although they recover completely within 24 hours. It's all
there, starting with Xenophon and Strabo, and it's the stuff of the late
Kenneth Lampe's excellent editorial printed in the Journal of the American
Medical Association (vol. 259, p. 2009, 1988).

This should make it clear that most members of Duncan's anti-drug
contingent are growing drugs --- ditto the municipality, the CVRD, the
provincial government, churches, schools, any institution making a
respectability statement along lawns and driveways with: rhododendrons,
azaleas, sheep laurel, mountain laurel, bog rosemary, certain types of
heather, and many other lovelies currently being potted up and flogged by
supermarkets and garden supply centres.

So if we must have a so-called War on Drugs, it is only logical and fair to
start an RCMP Rhododendron Squad and harrass the smug for a change. Let's
spread hysterical rumours about nectar sucking orgies on over-manicured
lawns --- or would they be hysterical rumours? The story of someone stoned
on rhodo honey who recovered ---with a new, utterly unnecessary artificial
pace-maker ---- is true. So is the one about Pompey's legions. Would
Strabo tell a lie?

Warning (serious): the literature on grayanotoxin includes a few cases of
people suffering convulsions and excruciating chest pain as side effects,
particularly a very old man who was given rhodo tea day after day, week
after week, by an extraordinarily persistent doctor in the late 1700s.
Also, although rhododendrons may have something that quells asthma, the
initial response may be an aggravation of the problem, which could put
serious asthmatics at risk. Finally, shredded rhododendron mulch is
believed to have affected dogs running on it in England; they behaved so
oddly, one of them was put down before the symptoms were compared and
finally explained. Goats have been severely harmed after feeding on a pile
of rhododendron clippings a neighbour tossed to them over a fence.

Margot Izard, author of "The Real Dirt on Rhododendrons", a second edition
of which will soon be available at Star Books.