SHE'S TRAPPED BY DRUG USE -- AND SHE'S THE CLEAN ONE

Dear Heart: Help! I am between a rock and a very hard place and I
really don't know what to do! It's my fiancE9 vs. me vs. drugs vs. his
friends.

You see, he used to abuse coke and due to that abuse, he lost/sold
everything (including his family and job) to support his habit. We met
after several clean years.

It was love. This was the man who took care of me, put me first, loved
me and made me laugh. Yes! Yes! I do want to marry this man.

Well, in the past year, he has hooked up with friends who "dabble" in
coke. He says he doesn't do it but one or two times a year. The
biggest thing is that I do not want to be in their company when the
drug is there. I am scared for my job. If there is a raid, I feel I am
guilty until proven innocent (especially if the word got out to the
community). I can't and won't lose the career I have finally achieved
for his drugging friends. He says the drug use is no big deal.

Am I wrong?

Do I say: "I'll be with you but refuse to be with your coking friends?
Can we create a happy, trusting, married relationship as long as we
agree to socially see friends together who are drug-free?

Or, do I get out? Do I return the ring and run for my
reputation/future before my life is ruined by cocaine?

I usually am the one who is organized and offers decent advice. And,
now, because I do love this guy and did plan a married future, my
brain, I think, is letting my heart rule. Please, please help me.

- -- The Drug-Free One

Dear Undecided: The way you signed your letter "drug-free" doesn't
seem like it applied to you. When drugs are involved everyone is
affected by them. You actually appear to be more imprisoned by drug
use than your boyfriend, even though he's the one using them. I invite
you to read your letter again, pretending it was written by someone
other than yourself. Do you see a person who is free?

With the information you have provided in your letter, I'll have to
refer you to a counselor for the specific answers to your questions.
However, I can give you some basic information about situations like
yours. People who have abused cocaine (or other drugs) and who have
hit as low a bottom as you describe your boyfriend reached, cannot
"dabble" in coke. This is a powerful, addictive substance and no one
is immune to that power. Especially those of us who have tried
everything in our power to control the use of it and have failed.

On the other hand, anything is possible. There may be people who can
"dabble" with these mind-altering substances and only do them once or
twice a year. Let's say your boyfriend gets together with his coking
buddies once every other week. That's 26 times a year. Can you imagine
his being offered coke 24 times and saying no? OK, let's say he only
sees them once a month. That means he's capable of saying no 10 out of
12 times. Can you imagine that happening? For a guy who has already
lost everything to support his cocaine habit, that doesn't seem likely
to me.

The more "at hand" questions for me would be: "What's the difference
between spending time with coking friends or marrying a person who
uses coke? Do I trust this person today and if not, what needs to
happen for me to be able to trust them? Are my realistic fears of
legal and social consequences being respected? Am I happy? Am I
drug-free (free of drugs) just because I don't consume the drug? Is
this drug consuming me and the happy future I have planned and hoped
for? Anything's possible. What ending do you think is most likely if
you don't take charge and write the story you want to live?

Checked-by: (trikydik)