FROM GIRL TO WOMAN

'I Couldn't Count On Myself. I Couldn't Count On My Emotions'

At 28, Holly is a cute blond who most people would never guess was
once a serious drug addict. But until last year, when it came to
drugs and alcohol, Holly was an omnivore. She did everything that
came her way; as a result of her drug use, she has hepatitis C.

For the first time in her life, Holly is on track. Last September,
she graduated from Fayette County Drug Court in Lexington, Ky., as
well as from a women's aftercare program. Holly was willing to tell
her story in her own words, but requested that her full name not be
used, citing the stigma of substance abuse.

Holly's Story

I was raised in an alcoholic home. My dad was very abusive to my
mother growing up. I remember him one time pulling her hair out and
me, being waist-high to him, hitting him as hard as I could. I was
full of anxiety as a child. I didn't like to have friends come over
because I couldn't count on myself. I couldn't count on my own emotions.

After my dad left the house, I was molested, sexually abused and
raped - all by a friend of the family. I ran away from home with an
older guy when I was 14, and he had his way me with for a week.

I started smoking marijuana when I was 12 years old. I'm 28 now. It
escalated to drinking, tripping on acid and taking speed by the time
I was 14. I had my first job when I was 16, and that's when I started
doing painkillers. Then cocaine - I went from snorting to smoking to
shooting; heroin; ecstasy. I did whatever was available.

I was a blackout drinker, anything to numb out. It helped
temporarily. But when I came back off the high, the pain would be
there and it would be even more intense. It got to the point where I
was crying even when I was getting high, because I knew it would
barely numb me.

I overdosed several times. I had seizures, my lungs collapsed, my
kidneys failed. But I kept doing it. I was 16 when my first child was
born. I was in an abusive relationship with her father. I smoked
marijuana the whole time I was pregnant with her. I quit drinking
when I was pregnant with her - not that smoking marijuana is OK. But
she wasn't born addicted.

My second child was born a week after I turned 18. I had started
doing pills and my drinking really picked up after I had him. The
kids lived with me for a short period of time, until my mother
suggested that she take them 'til I got "on my feet." Which was her
way of saying I had a problem. But I wanted my freedom, I really did.
I was young, I didn't have a husband anymore.

My mother had the kids for three or four years, and then, when I was
21, I had another child. By that last pregnancy, I couldn't stop
using for anything: cocaine, heroin, Dilaudid, OxyContin, you name it.

Here I was doing all these drugs, but afraid that if I drank my baby
would be born with alcohol fetal syndrome. So I didn't drink. I never
had any prenatal care, but my daughter was OK. I think she had
withdrawal symptoms but they didn't detect it in the hospital - maybe
because I'd managed to straighten up that last month.

In 2003, I went into treatment at the Women's Health Center in
Lexington and relapsed eight months later. Then in June 2004, the
police came to arrest me (for a probation violation). Any other time,
I would have given them a false name. That day, I told them, "I'm
Holly, I've got warrants, please take me." I was miserable.

Jail was a better option than what I was doing. At least there I
would sleep, I would eat, I would know I was safe. I started going to
AA meetings while I was there (for two months), and then I asked to
go to drug court. I had made up my mind. I knew that if I didn't make
it work, I was going to die out there.

The judge ordered me to another women's residential facility -
Chrysalis House. I completed the residential part in June 2005, and
I'm finishing the aftercare part on the 22nd (of March). I will
definitely stay grounded in AA. I've got a sponsor, I work the (12)
steps with the community I'm in, and I love the 12-Step program. It's
changed me.

I think the reason it worked this time, the main difference, was
because Chrysalis House gave me parenting skills and job skills. I
had never worked a full-time job. I had never been accountable like
that. Some of the people in treatment with me were nurses or women
who had gone to college. They hated those classes. But it was the
best thing that happened to me.

When they told me I would have to work a 40-hour-a-week job, I broke
down crying. I said I didn't know how to do that. They showed me that
it took skills to survive out there. That it was a full-time job
being an addict. And I could turn around those skills - like
creativity, the constant hustle and energy we needed to come up with
drugs - to help society. We're salesmen, basically.

But when I had to go on an interview - oh, my God! I had to dress up
in a suit. And I was trying not to fidget because I had learned not
to fidget. Chrysalis House got me a temporary position that turned
into a full-time job. I've been there a year now. I never worked
anywhere for a year! It shows I'm capable of doing anything I turn my
mind to. God has truly blessed me.

I'm a staff support administrator and I love what I do. I love the
people I work with. Being accountable to society, getting up and
going to work - I love it. The past month, I've even been getting up
before the alarm clock goes off. And I'm not a morning person.

Another thing: I was diagnosed with depression when I was 12 years
old. Chrysalis House made sure that that I saw a psychiatrist and got
medicated. It turns out I was self-medicating for many years.

I have a conscience today, I'm aware of who I am. I have
self-respect. I have all three of the kids occasionally. My youngest
daughter - her aunt was awarded temporary custody, and at this point
she's not comfortable spending the night with me, so I have to
respect that. If it's meant for them to be in my life full time, it
will happen.