U.S. FISH AND (BLOCKED) SERVICE

U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service folks can forget about online gambling
or learning about cultivating weed or watching porn at work. There's a
new computer filter that will "block inappropriate use of the
Internet," acting deputy director Kenneth B. Stansell writes in a
recent memo.

Yes, indeed, it's time to focus on fish and furry creatures. "What
types of websites will be blocked?" the memo asks. Plenty of your
favorites, is the answer. Sites with "nude or semi-nude human forms"
or ones "that describe sexual acts or activity," as well as those
focused on "sex-oriented businesses such as clubs, nightclubs and
escort services."

And no more Victoria's Secret. "Lingerie & swimsuit sites offering
views of models in suggestive but not lewd costume" will be blocked.
"Suggestive?"

In a blow to employees wanting to supplement their incomes, the filter
will block "sites that provide information about . . . the
cultivation, preparation, or use of marijuana" or "online gambling"
and even "online games." Bridge players will have to bring their own
cards.

The filter will also block sites that "provide instruction in or
promote crime or unethical or dishonest behavior or evasion of
prosecution thereof" as well as racist sites and those "sponsored by
groups advocating anti-government beliefs or action."

EBay? Gone! "Personals dating"? Gone!

From now on, stick to sites focusing on fish and furry creatures --
unless they engage in "offensive, grotesque, frightening or lurid"
activities.