Editor's Note: While the issue in this article may not appear relevant to
the 'War On Drugs,' I strongly believe in the tonic effect of a good clean
piece of levity. Please, read & enjoy!

SLAMMIN'!

If one-time actor Ronald Reagan could become president, then why not a
former wrestler? Now that Jesse "The Body" Ventura has captured
Minnesota's highest office, some people think it's not too soon to
consider a White House run.

Jesse "The Mind," as the governor-elect now likes to be called, could
have some serious thinking to do. As president, he would need
top-notch professionals in his Cabinet. Here are six wrestlers we'd
like to see jump into the ring -the political ring, that is.

1. THE UNDERTAKER

Position: DRUG CZAR

Qualifications: His bio lists his home as Death Valley. He's 6 feet 10
inches tall. His favorite quote is "Rest in peace." If this guy can't
intimidate a drug dealer, who can?

Why he's needed: Too many drug addicts need a real-life
undertaker.

2. DENNIS "RODZILLA" RODMAN

Position: SECRETARY OF LABOR

Qualifications: This sometime wrestler has told his fellow NBA players they
should try ordinary jobs before griping about salaries.

Why he's needed: To help spread some bucks to other workers. NBA
players have balked at an offer to make the average salary more than
$3 million; meanwhile, Chicago firefighters average $51,000 and
elementary teachers $39,000.

3. ANDRE THE GIANT

Position: CHIEF OF THE ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION AGENCY

Qualifications: Sure, Andre died in '93, but the sight of his 7-foot-4-inch
corpse might scare people into saving the environment.

Why he's needed: Who better than a dead man to symbolize the plight of
the world's rain forests? Scientists estimate that

4. ROCKY "THE ROCK" MAIVIA

Position: SECRETARY OF EDUCATION

Qualifications: The Rock is brawns and brain, an All-American football star
who graduated from the University of Miami.

Why he's needed: To strong-arm Congress. In the last session,
lawmakers had to be begged to approve funds for hiring 100,000 new
teachers.

5. CHYNA

Position: SECRETARY OF DEFENSE

Qualifications: Anyone who wears body armor and an ammo clip knows how to
defend herself.

Why she's needed: To show the military how to cut waste. In the
post-Cold War era, U.S. armed forces currently spend $250 billion a
year, including $2 billion on each B-2 bomber.

6. HULK HOGAN

Position: DIRECTOR OF CHILD WELFARE

Qualifications: Hogan has always had a soft spot for kids and works with
the Make-A-Wish Foundation.

Why he's needed: 100,000 U.S. foster kids (1,300 of them in Illinois)
await adoption.

Checked-by: Rich O'Grady