'BUNKERWEED - GOOD FOR WHAT AILS YOU'

What I wouldn't give for a row of grow lights and a handful of seeds.
Add a token amount of knowledge and the right words on my application
and I could well be the next national supplier of marijuana for the
federal government's medicinal herb program.

For the past five years or so Prairie Plant Systems has been under
contract to grow reefer for approximately 300 patients approved under
the program's stringent guidelines. The work was worth more than $5
million to the company which did its horticulturing underground in
Flin Flon, Man.

The product grown in the former hard-rock mine was initially the
target of criticism as users complained about the low THC content and
the general 'schwagness' of the herb. Like any good company, Prairie
Plant Systems listened to its customers and made adjustments to its
grow efforts. The result was a reduction in complaints as well as the
return rate of the marijuana shipped out for consumption.

The folks at Public Works and Government Services Canada oversee the
supply of marijuana just as they do most everything else procured for
federal use, by calling for tenders. The last tender call for pot
attracted a number of proposals and what I wouldn't have given for a
peek at some of the bids:

Company Name: Sensi Saul's Herb Emporium

Owner: Saul - just Saul. I'm not giving out my full name until I'm
sure this isn't some kind of sting operation.

Experience: Winner, 2002 Eastern Townships MariFest Cannabis Cup -
Appetite Inducement Division; Winner, 1997 Lower Mainland Hemp-A-Rama
Bowl - also voted best buzz in show by participants; First runner-up,
2004 Hardscrabble Herbalollapalooza - also won division title for
Smoke Most Likely to Make You Forget Where the Remote is. During my
last year of university in 1977 I kept the top two floors of
residence supplied with reefer using three grow tubes and a closet.

References: Like, do you want phone numbers and stuff or can I just
tell you that my cousin Willard says I grow the best pot in the
country and he's smoked his way from one end to the other? One of my
neighbours said he would contact you from a pay phone and give a
firs-thand account how my pot cured him of his ambition but you have
to promise not to trace the call.

Proposal: You send me $5 million and I'll send you reefer, no questions asked.

Contact information: If my bid is accepted you can drop the contract
off behind the third large maple down the path towards the beach with
the red sunsets. As I said, once your cheque clears, I'll be a little
more specific with my information.

On the surface it looks like a snazzy way to make a few million
dollars but not every Pete, Saul and Sally will qualify to fill the
contract. If the federal honchos are serious about hiring the best
growers in the country they have to look no further than every jail
in Canada. We're paying room, board and dental for a host of folks
who have done nothing but grow the very product Ottawa is putting
feelers out for. Talk about your irony steeped in the ludicrous. As a
result of being labelled criminals they can't bid on the contract.

And just to meld a touch more irony into the mix, the government is
going to hear arguments from the U.S. to ship this country's alleged
top seed supplier, Marc Emery, stateside so he can face a variety of
pot-related charges. What a world we live in.

Criminal attachments aside, there remains a percentage of us who
shouldn't even think about being part of such an operation. Like me.
When it comes to green planty things, I am the grim reaper. If our
family was relying on me to grow what they eat, they would've bailed
for greener pastures years ago. Not much nutrition in brown patches
and twigs. I've even killed cactus. Thriving mold cultures have
ceased production in my presence. (I'm hoping it's just an aura thing
and not linked to karma. I fear the price I'll be paying for all the
thousands of plants that died around me.)

Take away the known growers (i.e. arrest them all), let the inept,
like me, eliminate themselves and the choice for the contract could
basically be between scientists or a yet-to-be busted entrepreneur.
Prairie Plant Systems has received a couple of extensions to its
contract while Ottawa figures out what it's doing. The company could
apply and be awarded the new contract but because of federal policy,
a tender call must be made.

And with that in mind, I'm going to blow the dust off my previous
proposal to turn the underground bunker in Debert into Canada's
marijuana supply centre. I have no designs on the actual contract
itself as I am more interested in the concession rights. Do you know
how much people would pay for a tour of the grow operation and a
T-shirt with a snappy slogan? 'BunkerWeed - Good For What Ails You'
or 'My Folks Toured The BunkerWeed Grow Op and All I Got Was This
Lousy T-Shirt.'

OK, so the slogans need work, but you get my drift.

peter heckbert is an editor of the Truro Daily News.