USE ONLY IN CASE OF WANTING TO

I AM SO enjoying those prescription drug ads on television. There's some
sunny outdoor scene of (say) an older couple hurling trout at each other in
a wildflower-studded mountain meadow, and then the woman turns to the camera
and says, ``You know, I used to have trouble with inappropriate vomiting.
Then I discovered Zongzac.''

Then the woman runs to the man and hugs him, and he smiles and spins her
around and says, ``Thanks to Zongzac, I have my wife back -- and my
dry-cleaning bills are way down.''

So then the music comes up and the geese on the pond rise to form lovely
moving patterns against the clouds, and the announcer says, ``Use only as
directed. Side effects include headache, nausea, tingling of the
extremities, rapid heartbeat, elevated blood pressure, disfiguring wens
about the nose and mouth, painful urination and liver failure. Not to be
taken by people who eat meat, walk in rubber-soled shoes or speak French. In
a small number of cases, people just drop to the floor and die, and we're
working on that, you can bet.''

You're left thinking: How bad can inappropriate vomiting be? Is it worth
risking your life to cure?

But you're the only one thinking that, because TV saturation advertising
creates a demand for these drugs, no matter what the side effects. The urge
to romp in mountain meadows is just too strong.

THE MARKETING OF prescription drugs has spread to magazines as well. These
ads handle the disclaimer thing differently -- a colorful double-truck ad
containing the good news, followed by a drab tiny-type one-page addendum
listing all those boring contraindications and the language the lawyers make
them use.

I have one before me for Zyban, from those kindly folks at GlaxoWellcome.
Zyban is the nicotine-free pink pill that helps you stop smoking! It beats
the No. 1 prescription patch! One person in a thousand has a seizure! Talk
to your doctor before getting Zyban, it counsels, which you pretty much have
to do anyway because it's a prescription drug.

And, of course, it's not recommended for women who are pregnant or
breast-feeding. Nothing is recommended for women who are pregnant or
breast-feeding. Which might be what you call a clue.

ONE SECTION OF the disclaimer page particularly caught my attention. The
disclaimers are done in a numbered question-and-answer format.

``Do Zyban tablets have a characteristic odor? Zyban tablets may have a
characteristic odor. If present, this odor is normal.''

Now wait a minute. Either they do have a characteristic odor or they do not.
``Characteristic'' means something that is integral to the character of the
substance. But somehow, Zyban has an odor or it doesn't have an odor, but if
it has an odor, don't worry! It's normal. It's not like spoiled or anything.

On the other hand, if it doesn't have the characteristic Zyban odor (why
does the phrase ``bitter almonds'' keep occurring to me?), that's OK, too.
It is a characteristic of Zyban not to have its characteristic odor. Don't
worry, except about the little seizure thing.

A while ago, I wrote a column about the distinctive smell of asparagus pee
(that's the technical term). Originally, I thought people metabolized
asparagus differently; some produced the odor and some did not.

But, in fact, some people have the gene that allows them to smell the
chemical created in the urine of asparagus eaters, and some do not. The
smell is always there; it's a matter of your ability to detect it. If you
have no idea what I'm talking about, you belong to the group of people who
don't know what I'm talking about. Sort of like rolling your tongue.

Maybe that's the situation with the characteristic odor of Zyban. Maybe it's
a detection issue. I wish they'd just say so, rather than dropping koans
into their advertising to confuse the word-brained.

May cause external bleeding, internal bleeding or no bleeding at all.

All at once it seems so nice, the folks are throwing shoes and
jrc@sfgate.com .

Checked-by: Rolf Ernst