THE TRUTH ABOUT TELETUBBIES

TV's cuties watched by Gen-X stoners!

Over the hills and far away, Teletubbies come to play." On grassy,
bunny-covered hills, beneath a baby-faced sun, four laughing, smiling,
gender-neutral creatures frolic. Tinky-Winky. Laa-Laa. Dipsy. Po. It all
sounds so innocent, doesn't it?

Teletubbies was the first program to be aimed at toddlers aged two to
three, and it caused an uproar when it debuted in the U.K. Many in the
politically correct media felt that children so young shouldn't be watching
TV. Such alarmism is misplaced, as there is a greater cause for concern.
Since the BBC program has made its way onto North American airwaves, the
truth about Teletubbies has emerged: our able-bodied young people are
actually smoking pot and watching this show!

"It's like there's these scientists," says 23-year-old "Chet" as he sinks
lower and lower into an ash-ridden couch, "and they're conducting these
genetic experiments. And they wanna see if they can create these beings who
can exist with no yin. You know what I'm saying, man?"

Chet could have had a commerce degree by now. But as his family and
ever-dwindling circle of friends know all too well, he's become a "dope
fiend." Chet rarely goes outside his basement apartment any more -- his
world has become "toking" and Teletubbies. Shack-mates "Savannah," 21, and
"Steve," 24, are similarly addicted.

"Yeah, they're so happy," says Savannah, pointing at the screen as she
sucks on the remains of a marijuana cigarette. "Life is like yin-and-yang,
y'know, you take the good with the bad, but they're all yang, yo. They
don't get uptight or fight or nothing."

To a sensible person, Teletubbies is quite nonsensical. Very little
happens. It is very predictable -- and very, very repetitious. The baby-sun
rises and the voice trumpets (a sort of automated megaphone) emerge from
the ground, proclaiming: "Time for Teletubbies." The Teletubbies awake,
rise from their bunker and greet each other with cries of "e-oh!" Soon, a
plastic windmill begins to turn and emit rays of light. The Teletubbies
interrupt their playtime to heed its call.

"The windmill is the voice of inflexible authority," says Chet. "It's like
how the Man tries to brainwash you and present his truth as truth even
though my reality isn't the same as your reality, dig? And they can't
question what the unseen controller says, because they never knew what it
was like without the unseen controller telling them what to do and... uh...
what was I just saying?"

One of the Teletubbies is then selected to broadcast a TV program from
screens built into its stomach. At this point, the previously silent Steve
stops shoveling Cheetos into his mouth and gapes in horror, his mind no
doubt wracked by paranoid psychosis.

"That's so freaky, man," he says. "Like... dude! They've got TVs... in
their bellies! Whoa...."

Upon the conclusion of these shorts, which portray human children at play,
the creatures shout: "Again, again!" The segments are then repeated in
their entirety!

"Children need to look at things much more than adults," producer Anne Wood
explained in a Teletubbies FAQ at (www.bbc.co.uk/education/teletubbies/
tubbies.html). "Our format enables them to listen and watch; they need to
see things over and over again."

"Teletubbies is structured from a very young child's point of view," added
writer/co-creator Andy Davenport. "When certain things are seen, children
can predict what is going to happen."

Just as unruly toddlers shriek when they hear the Teletubbies theme song,
our shiftless stoners break into idiotic grins at the sight of the neutered
beasts rolling down the hills of Teletubbyland. And just as the structure
of every episode is repetitious, so is its "plot." In one episode, the
"crisis" involved the Teletubbies' inability to get up in the morning -- a
situation to which Chet, Savannah and Steve can certainly relate.

Observing this sequence on videotape (the show airs weekdays at 8:30 a.m.
on PBS and at 9:30 a.m. on TVO), the threesome begin giggling: "OK, now
Laa-Laa's gonna fall asleep! Now Tinky-Winky's gonna wake up! Oh dude...
now Tinky Winky's gonna fall asleep! And now Laa-Laa's gonna wake up again!"

It is hard to say why adults who should be working for a living should
derive so much pleasure from something so base. Is it simply an escape from
responsibility -- a childlike reversion, if you will? Or do those such as
Chet truly believe Teletubbies is "a brilliant, neo-primitivist work of
cautionary science-fiction," as he describes it? Perhaps, in their
perversity, they are merely obsessed with four giant phalluses.

But just as the voice trumpets will command: "Time for Tubbie Bye-Byes,"
the grown-up world will call for them. And though they may protest "No!",
they will listen and obey. (Names have been changed to protect the guilty.)